I am compelled to post my thoughts about sex as a survivor of sexual abuse as it is on my mind a lot (I am in a relationship after all) and also because I am aware that my ideas of what’s normal are skewed, and I also probably don’t enjoy sex like “normal” people do.
Although, what is normal? What I think is normal is not normal to someone else, and then also we have things like prostitution and sex in our society where it’s so prevalent that I guess it’s normal for a man to pay for sex but does the woman enjoy it? Is she coerced to do it? Does she do it because of her own demons make her put it out when in reality she’d just hurt?
So it’s a complicated topic anyway, but I do have a lot of sympathy for people who get into romantic relationships with survivors (of any kind of childhood abuse and trauma, and even survivors of rape and abuse in adult life) as they will probably find it very challenging, confusing and even traumatic, to try to be intimate with their survivor partner.
I can’t speak for everyone else, but for me, sex has always been a very strange – intriguing, but strange – sometimes painful, sometimes embarrassing, sometimes horrendous and sometimes physically enjoyable experience.
Before I remembered my abuse I liked boys, wanted to kiss boys, and wanted to be loved by a boy. I have always been a people-pleaser, and would often get into situations where I’d want a guy to like and want me, but then I’d realize I don’t want them, yet would have to be in uncomfortable situations where I’d feel like they were using and abusing me.
I went through a phase of being with women – I think to think of it now, I felt like a woman could and would not hurt me, and of course because there is no penis, they physically cannot penetrate me; I feel that to be penetrated, I am violated and my body is also violated against and I now would only let a trusted partner do it.
There is just something very very very anxiety-provoking in the act of being penetrated. Almost hurtful. My body often says no even when my brain or mind says yes.
I dream of enjoying it, but when the act takes place, sometimes I freeze on the inside. I feel like my body is being used by someone for their own benefit and it makes me feel dirty.
I don’t know why. So many things I can’t explain, it’s just like, it just happens and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know women who seek acceptance and love and put it out thinking if a man sleeps with them it means that they are accepted, loved, liked. They go through motions of sleeping around and being easy, all in search of self-esteem and love, when in the end they just feel empty inside as they’ve given their soul out to the whole world.
I am happy I never went through that phase really that badly – I have slept with a few people, but my phase was to meet a guy, tell them semi-deep things about myself as if to test what kind of person they really are, and if they said the right answers I’d let them get closer and closer to me.
If they said the wrong thing – like, if I mentioned being raped they’d say, don’t worry, I’d never do it, I like and will fuck you do good you’ll like it too; I’d throw them out of my life (slowly; I am a people-pleaser after all) because they had failed my test.
My boyfriend said the right things when we first met. He cried when I told him about the abuse. He never failed my test, and I became desperate to have him in my life because the small part of me that needs and wants intimacy recognized a person who would not hurt me, use me, abuse me or try to take advantage of me.
I knew I would be safe and I could trust him in intimacy.
It’s still not easy, and to give him props he does try but I feel broken beyond repair and often feel like my problems and pain and issues will never go away and he will never be satisfied, or that I never will be satisfied like I see people in movies be satisfied.
Again, I don’t know what normal is, and so to try to be normal in sexuality is a difficult task. I guess it should not hurt, and I guess one should want to do it for the right reasons (not because you either cut your wrists or have sex, in any way you can you just have to drown that anger, pain, self-hatred. You have to punish yourself).
Maybe one day I’ll get there. Until then, I try, I talk, I analyze and I wonder. I really am not sure how to get to a point where there is self-acceptance, understanding of my own thought patterns, and breaking old habits.
It is really my habits and thoughts that keep me in this prison, but the maze out of my head is not easy to go through. I do hope and pray that slowly, healing will come, and that I will be more at one with myself and I will learn to accept myself the way I am.
I also hope that whatever you are going through in your sexual and intimate life will not hurt you any longer, that you respect your own self and your body and don’t share it with people who don’t deserve the right to your being and your soul, and that you seek out for a partner that loves, tries to understand, does not judge, and has a lot of patience and time to teach you self love and the beauty of being intimate with another human being.
Have a beautiful weekend!