Does anyone else ever feel like they are broken? Irreparable for life? That people around you go on in their daily lives but you feel like a shattered mirror, with pieces lying around the floor but no way or energy to pick them all up and put them all together?
And even if you had the energy and time and will and a way do piece yourself together, the cracks would forever still be visible. And who knows, maybe a knock comes along and the pieces fall apart once again…..
I think that’s how I feel inside – I don’t often let it show as I’m so determined to live life like I’m expected to and work, go out, volunteer, do things like everyone else is doing things, yet I feel like it’s so hard to drag these pieces along as a whole.
The pressures of Western life are upon me and I am getting older yet inside I feel like a little girl who wants to cry yet play, hide yet be in the middle of everyone’s admiration. I carry inner chaos in my head and it stops me from living in the moment.
I am not sure what to do. I have tried therapy, working out, chatting to people, prayer, lots of thinking and analyzing….yet I’m unable to answer my own question of how to feel better.
I have gone through a period of manic control and an eating disorder, I have tried sports and being addicted to working out, and I have also eaten myself to half-death with candy and snacks filling my mouth day and night. Food does not make me feel better. Or the lack of it either. I don’t feel better with physical exercise although for a moment in time when I’m pushing my body to the limit I feel victorious.
I have been single and in a relationship. I have had friends and I have had best friends. I have talked to strangers and moved to foreign countries. I have seen the highs and the lows of this world – the rich at a five star Las Vegas hotel, and the poor in slums of Africa. This has not made me feel better. It has only made me despise the rich for I’m bitter they have more than I do, and it has made me so sad for the poor for they really are struggling in extreme ways.
I have loved, I have hated, I have dreamed and I have had nightmares. I have been bitter and I have been angry, I have punched, hit and kicked, and I have hugged, kissed and been made love to.
I created a special bond with a beautiful pet of mine, raked leaves, written poems, driven a car without a license, and jumped into the Caribbean Sea from aboard a boat. I have lived. Yet I am not living. Instead, I am concerned with the past and concerned about the future and I forget the today every single day.
My dream is to let go of the past and accept it; it is what’s made me ME. I also dream that I can stop being concerned about the future, and live in the moment. The moment is now, and the moment is here. It is my only chance, for by tomorrow, today is in the past and the now of tomorrow is a completely different day.
*Drifting into the distance of daydreaming…..*