8 words

Is how many words I said in therapy today. 8.

The therapy is so much bullshit I can’t even be bothered anymore to make an effort. I just lay there the whole 50 minutes, and only answered with “Yeah I really don’t have anything to say” when my therapist said “you’re quiet today.”

I don’t know why I go there. It is so pointless. I am taking time out of my life to go and he doesn’t even make an effort for me!

I am used to the kind of therapy where they ask questions but this one just expects me to start talking.

No wonder why I’ve only once or twice mentioned the abuse in a whole year!?! It’s not easy; I’d like to talk through the most painful shit of my life but this dude never asks and I’m not gonna bring it up.

I have a feeling that come May, and the final therapy session, I’ll bitch and shout and be really angry at him for wasting my time. That’s how it feels, I had so many expectations for it and I was excited, and now a year later I’m just more angry and pissed off.

Nice to have to go to work angry…not!! I’m really thinking that next week I’ll tell him I’m done and we should just quit it. No point in me dragging my ass there way too early in the morning three times a week to just lie down for fifty minutes staring out the window………!!

Off to try to sort out my feelings….


6 thoughts on “8 words

  1. Hello my friend… I have read this and are you sure he isn’t allowing you to hear exactly what you hear in silence… The angry part of you that wants to heal the energy that is consuming you on feeling that you are in pain and that you just are tired of the pain. It actually is louder than what pain you experienced. I can understand the love you have inside you to want this healing.. Yet are you ready to give up when you are actually face to face silent in anger? I feel you… I am here… Why do you wish to give up?

    • Yes, he asks me why I’m quiet a LOT, and has also made many comments about why I am not wanting to share what I am thinking in my head; I think this is because he is wondering why I’m not talking yet clearly am processing stuff in my head. Like, why am I excluding him from the conversations in my head?

      I have made it clear that I wish he asked questions, as this is how I like to do therapy, I like to be asked to get me going, yet he doesn’t, so I have decided to rebel and not talk. Ha! Makes him feel awkward I think, and a little part of me is happy because I want him to feel shit for not being able to help me.

      I guess I like being un-helpeable, beyond anyone’s understanding, making him especially feel inadequate to deal with me and my issues. It makes me feel powerful….

      So I don’t know, I just think it’s a waste of time now…Been going for a year, three times a week, and this has been much less helpful than my previous once-weekly talking therapy I did (before my therapist got ill). I am pissed off and disappointed; disappointed because it didn’t turn out to be this wonder-cure to my mental ills and my emotions and my problems, but just a wasted morning of staring out the window….So this is why I want to give up and stop going….I could get my life back…Do more useful things with my time….

      Thank you for the comment and hope this makes sense!

    • Aww thank you for the comment – how did you get over the feeling of it being a waste of time???? I think I need some of those thoughts to get me through this point in time – I have previously felt like something could happen and the therapy might be worth it, but now I’m just ready to give up…I’m disappointed at my therapist for not asking me questions…I also think that I don’t want to just start talking because he wouldn’t a) understand, and b) be on my side. I have figured that I always need people to sympathize with me, otherwise I don’t trust them or like them, and of course this is not a great way of looking at relationships with people because if puts everyone in either “good people’s box” or “bad people’s box” depending on how much they sympathize with me and how much they’re on my side……So yes, how did you do it?

      • Well, I have to admit that I haven’t gotten over the “waste of time” feelings completely… it normally depends on the day. I don’t know your therapist either, so what has worked with my therapist and I, might not have the same effect for you and your’s. Do you like your therapist? Do you trust him? At some point in my therapy I didn’t want to like or trust my therapist, becuase I was scared of the truth and what it would actually take for me to recover or work on my issues. My ED is my security blanket and I was pissed at him for trying to take it away from me. I know that I was asking for him to help me, but was too scared to let him.

        I definitely got to the point where I was done and wanted to give up on the therapy, but I knew down deep that I wouldn’t get better if I gave up. So I sent my therapist I long, honest email… if you don’t have your therapist’s email address, you could write a letter and give it to him at your next therapy session. I told him that I was scared, that I didn’t want this to work because I didn’t know what life would be without ED. How I would cope or if I even wanted to. I told him that I had so much to say and so many feelings, but had NO desire to talk about them… also saying that I knew I needed to. I asked him to ask questions and pry when he noticed me pulling away or avoiding a topic. I told him that I HATE to cry, so I will avoid discussing anything that will make me cry. I told him that I needed him to help, because I couldn’t do it on my own.

        It was a real turning point in my recovery and with my therapist. Remember that the therapist is there for you. Tell him what you need. Again, I don’t know him, but think that he would be open to hearing your thoughts. Just remember to think about what you truly NEED from him. I needed someone to force me to go where I didn’t want to and deal with things I couldn’t on my own. What do you need from your’s?

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