Oh boy…a long day in the office…the feelings I have from this morning’s therapy are still there – I don’t want to go back.
I know that some say when you least feel like going to therapy, it means something big is coming up and you really should go. For me it’s different; this is an absolute waste of time! What if I never utter a word, what will the point of going there three times a week for the next 6 months be??? Nothing, I think.
I don’t feel like talking. I feel like whenever I have talked about things that I feel are important, like what’s happening in my crazy house with my crazy housemates, or at work, or in my relationship, or other things that have taken place in my life that are seemingly not important, my therapist sort of .. doesn’t care. Or that’s the feeling I get. I feel like he needs me to go deeper into meaningful matters and I don’t really know what is meaningful (the abuse? the rape? my childhood?being bullied?anorexia? depression? borderline personality disorder and my emotional troubles? anxiety?) and even if I know, it is NOT easy to get started…I WANT HIM TO ASK QUESTIONS! I like the kind of therapy where you sit down and someone starts asking you things; it’s much easier to get started and talk and talk.
This bullshit of me walking in and lying down while he waits for me to talk is just pointless.
I don’t know what kind of therapy it really is, this psychoanalytic psychotherapy, or he is doing it wrong, but I’m not happy.
Ehhhhh and on top of it all, my own little business venture which I’ve mentioned needs a LOT of work to get off the ground, I have other blogs that are going really well but I need to keep writing, we have house issues still (eviction court case looming), I have mold in my room and want to move out but can’t because I don’t earn enough, and to earn more I’d have to change jobs, and to change jobs I’d actually have to do some applications.
And I’m tired. I don’t wanna do jack to be honest. I just wanna sleeeeeeeeep. I haven’t cleaned my room, done much laundry, and the only two tables/desks in my room have a foot high pile of papers and junk covering them. I simply cannot function further than the essential everyday functions of getting up (barely and usually very late), going to work (where I daydream and blog while I think about how much I hate it), and….come home to sit around waiting for bedtime.
I sometimes go out but end up drinking too much and the hangovers I get these days are terrible and last for a few days.
I also slur and babble on when I’m drunk and then feel shit the next day about things I’ve said and how stupid I’ve been.
So……I don’t know….I’m so tired of being negative and I’m tired of being pissed off and angry and tired and moaning but that’s all I can do right now…….Sorry folks…..Eeeeeeehhh time for a few inspirational pics to make me feel a bit better today.
Much love, my little WordPress family xxxxxxxxxx