Therapy, Sex after abuse, and Rape

I really hope to get back to blogging. The past few months have been so crazy that I have really forgotten my survivor side and concentrated on mainly being someone I’m not, or at least being something I’d like to be and hiding large parts of my identity from the world.

I have now been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years….I still remember how I disclosed the abuse to him only after four days of meeting him, and how he cried. I was so touched! Someone actually cared.

Now we don’t even talk about it. He knows I go to therapy and that’s about it. Sometimes he asks me how therapy is going but what can I say? Most days I’m either too tired to talk there (my appointments are at 8.10am and I am NOT a morning person, meaning I’m still half-asleep when I get there), or I talk about my housing situation (still going through a nasty eviction case plus mad arguments with housemates whom I really don’t get along with), OR I talk about work (and how I hate it) or my emotions (how I feel like a loser every day and how I’m angry and sad and pissed off mostly).

That’s it. I never ever go into deeper details about anything, and I have been going there now for 11 months. That’s 48 weeks or so. Three times a week; that’s 144 50-minute sessions, and I have gotten NOTHING from it.

It is such a waste of time.

Why don’t I quit?

I think I don’t want to quit because I hope that one day it’ll work. That one day I’ll open my mouth and say how I really feel inside. Have a great meltdown and cry and wail and then I come out better on the other end.

Will it realistically ever happen? No. I don’t trust the therapist; after all, he is a man. A lot of my issues have to do with men, and I don’t trust him to not be neutral.

Even when I once drunkenly disclosed my rape to my gay housemate, he first asked what I was wearing and was I leading the guy on. RAPE IS NEVER EVER EVER JUSTIFIED!! I wanted to scream, I was so hurt.

Even if I was with my boyfriend, butt naked, sucked him off and then said you know what, I don’t wanna have sex, he should and would not try it. If a woman says no, it is a NO.

Although with me, you never know. Even he says he doesn’t think I always want to do it but I do. That’s the thing with survivors, I think I for example have been programmed into pleasing men, and having sex to hide other feelings I may have. Everything becomes about sex.

But then again, I do like to sometimes have sex – I am normal in the sense that I can get turned on, and I can have meaningful sex, but how to distinguish between when I really genuinely want to get intimate with a loved one like that, and when I try to disguise other feelings by forcibly forcing my boyfriend to have sex with me, is a huge question mark.

I think that I am really messed up when it comes to sex and sexuality. I don’t know what’s real, what’s normal, how I should be; I don’t trust my own feelings.

When I’m mad or pissed off or angry or just hopeless and crazy, I crave to have sex to feel numb and to drown those feelings.

And will I ever change? Will I ever be the kind of partner that initiates sex when they’re turned on because of the closeness and intimacy brought on by their partner? Who knows. I would like to hope so, but how can I change? This is all I know……….

Have a beautiful day and comments please! Anyone feeling similar things?

LittleGirlInTheRain.

 

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8 thoughts on “Therapy, Sex after abuse, and Rape

  1. Deep my friend… however your calling to a deeper place within yourself, As I read this I felt his tears from the 4 days in to something even more profound of your screams that you feel no one can hear. Having multiple view points is the split. Not sharing with him your everyday experiences in all facets, moments of happiness to include. If you never share this.. you are leaving something of yourself inside yourself to continue to feel alone. I am neither man or woman just a voice coming to you to say.. Pain is the irreversible experience of keeping a thought pattern of things that left you alone inside yourself. You are not these thoughts you are the one fighting these thoughts of pain of relieving a pain that was not your fault. Forgiveness of doing this to yourself has an outward feeling that you can let go of and once this forgiveness is given to yourself you can then forgive everyone else.. it is a choice. You are not being raped in this moment, you are stronger from the love you had to give yourself inside to survive it from this point forward. No is the universal statement of saying I no longer give this person anymore power and forgive them for keeping me trapped in pain all these years this is to include myself for allowing this to define me. You are beautiful.. you are unique.. everything inside you is a miraculous being inside that has a greater capacity to love because of knowing you are more! I don’t know you but from reading this I can feel your love within your words. You are beyond healed when you accept that you are. You are more than a survivor you can speak what is inside you.. Do you realize that some experience their whole experience birth and death never hearing that inside.. As you read this there is something in you even pointing to something or will have you re read this again because a great door inside you is wide open. The thoughts are saying don’t do it to keep you trapped in pain knowing happiness will keep you from your true self of bliss.. your being inside is saying embrace me as there is a greater place that I can be to help others achieve this.. not just a man or woman… both if I allow myself happiness, if I allow myself forgiveness..If I allow myself to utilize the anger, the sadness energy and heal myself and everyone around me who loves me and can feel my love so I may heal them from a pain that kept me from the depth I am inside… Love deeply my friend.. not within those haunting thoughts that you keep alone but from realizing they are not you nor where they ever.. A painful thing happened.. and it made you a beautiful person inside to love passionately with all that you are.. You can’t see this but the man who is with you now can.. pushing him away keeps your love in a steady place.. grow it’s love inside you to find you have it… Undiscovered in every moment and deep cause it will continue long after everything else. Great Blog my friend.. I will follow you!

  2. Hi! Apologies for the days it’s taken me to reply – I have read your comment over and over again and I feel your compassion and your care in your words…Thank you for taking the time out to write to me, I really appreciate it! And thank you for your lovely words and the thought you have put in your reply…! I really am in awe of your kinds words and the time and effort you have put in to say nice things to me when you didn’t have to. And finally, thank you for reading and thank you for saying things that will make me look at things from a different perspective – sometimes others see what you don’t see, and it has to be pointed out. Take care!

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