I want it all!

Sometimes I feel like a little princess

 

I want it all. I want happiness, wealth, health, a career, a castle and white unicorns, rose gardens and rooftop infinity pools, a knight in shining armor and most of all, I want a four-poster bed and a shiny diamond tiara.

But. It is not possible. And this thought makes me so fucking depressed. I am crushed on the inside, it’s like a punch into my soul to know that I will die not having accomplished it all.

I know to some this might sound weird and cocky and selfish, but ever since I can remember I dreamed of having it ALL. Even my earliest dreams were filled with being famous, popular, rich and beautiful.

I escaped into a secret world of my own where I was the center of the universe.

I have had imaginary friends, imaginary lives filled with unbelievable happiness and beauty, all in my head.

Waking moments haven’t always been the most pleasant so I have over the years weaved an intricate web of alternative lives in my mind where I can escape when the nights are long and dark and I can’t sleep.

I escape there to find the happiness I can’t find in my real life. But when I come back to reality it hits me even harder that I will never ever be beautiful, famous, popular, liked, rich, talented, loved and pampered.

I sometimes don’t want to get up. My life in my head is so much better! The real world is…hard. I am STILL in a job I practically hate, I am so unfulfilled and eat to my depression, feel bloated and fat and ugly all the time, I struggle with anxiety and hopelessness and I don’t know where my life is going at all!

I feel like I should have accomplished more.

I am 28, I have a Master’s Degree and I am an educated immigrant to London; I speak at least three languages fluently and know a few more, I have seen the world and worked most of my life.

I feel like I should be making a lot of money, I should have a better job and be able to buy my own place and be about to have a child and go on holidays.

Yet I am stuck in a moldy house with three housemates I don’t like. My room stinks and we are being evicted anyway. I am in a shit job and I hate my life. Every waking moment I keep thinking I should have gotten there already!

I should be on the verge of happiness. I should. But I am not. And this fills me with anxiety, hopelessness, hate, anger, bitterness, irritation and depression.

So. Here I am. At my desk hating on my life, hating, with no way out of my reality.

Sorry to keep going on about my negative feelings and I really hope that no one is upset by my words, but if I am not honest I would do disservice to myself.

I hope that my emotions change but…I don’t know…if anything will ever change. and then I die.

xx LG xx

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “I want it all!

  1. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Many people I personally know, including myself, go through these emotions of wanting it all and feeling like we should be happy right now, but knowing it’s not reality. It is a take it day-by-day situation. If you can find something (even something little) that makes you happy even for a minute each day, you’re headed in the right direction.

  2. Aww thank you for your advice and nice comment – you are right, it is easy to see it all as bad but concentrating on one small good thing will make a difference that might just give me strength and energy to put into changing the bigger things as well….I think today I am grateful that I managed to blog and get the feelings and thoughts out of my head, and also I am attempting to go to the gym which will mean I’ll feel physically better afterwards! I wish you all the best and thank you for stopping by!

  3. I do believe all the concepts you’ve presented for your post. They’re really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

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