It has again been a while since I last posted. I feel bad about it – often I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head and I keep thinking that I should jot them down but somehow don’t manage….
I am only managing now because I’m off work sick. It is my third day in bed; I emailed my boss to say I wasn’t feeling well which is the truth, but I guess I don’t have as much going on with me physically as mentally. I am simply exhausted. Lethargic. Stressed. Anxious. Depressed. Insomniac. And other things.
This summer has been crazy (actually, most of my life has been crazy, but this summer especially) – in April I got the thought to start my own business, so that brought with itself manic anxiety; then I volunteered with both the Olympics and the Paralympic Games while still working full time in my shitty little office job (lots of working from home in the evenings and weekends), and I generally haven’t rested or relaxed much because a lot of other stuff has been going on too so….I am just absolutely exhausted.
It was fun, don’t get me wrong. In general, I acquire lots of activities to do in my life mainly because I like the feeling of accomplishment, if I don’t have a million things going on at once I feel empty, I feel like I’m a loser, and I don’t like to feel like that.
So I start loads of stuff – volunteering, writing books, language classes, job applications, blogs, photography, new hobbies…..which I usually end up quitting as I lack the ability to stay focused through tough times.
I am addicted to the feeling of adrenaline that you get when you get excited about something new. When things get a bit old I just give up. Usually. Except with this job, with my business, and with the Olympic volunteering. And my relationship.
So I have learned to keep going a bit, it is hard I have to say, but at least I am doing something to change myself!
I guess that’s why I’m so psychologically dead right now – the summer has been like a marathon and I have run out of my battery power and need to re-charge somehow.
Guess writing things down makes me feel like a re-charge – I get to look at things from a more focused point of view while I jot my thoughts down, and so things get a bit clearer in my head which is such a beautiful feeling! I wish I felt like this in therapy but unfortunately I don’t….I have now been going to my three-days-a-week psychoanalytic psychotherapy for almost 10 months, and NOTHING has happened. Absolutely nothing. It is such a waste of time!!!!!
Most of the time I lie there in silence. I used to be uncomfortable in silent situations but I cherish it now – my mind keeps racing and usually I think about things that I have to do. I get really anxious, but just keep silent until my therapist says it is time. And I get up and walk out into the real world and continue my daily life.
I can’t even remember what we’ve talked about in the past 10 months. I think I have talked about my career (or the lack of it), my family, some things about my childhood, my relationship, my friendships and the tumultuous times I’ve had with people in my life, my mother, my fears and my anxiety. I talk about my stress and anxiety a LOT.
Yet nothing has changed, nothing has happened, and I think nothing will happen. I don’t want to quit because I feel like I should stay in case something does happen, but … I don’t really believe anything will.
My therapy will end in May 2013 and that’ll be it, I swear I will never ever want to go to therapy again! I have come to the following conclusions:
1) I will never fully remember the abuse
2) It won’t matter I guess that I don’t remember
3) I will never ever really like myself and will forever have issues with self-harming and eating and body image and self image, but that is just me. It’s like, this is how I’ve always been so…nothing will ever change
4) I can see how ever many therapists I want but nothing will ever change
5) it is what it is and I better make the best of it and if I fail to do that then it’s my own fault.
Now I’m mentally even more anxious than I was when I started writing so I better stop and somehow try to calm down – my therapist is off for 2 weeks and my life is once again a real big mess – the best way of explaining what goes on in my head is like a giant aquarium with lots and lots of different sized fish all swimming at different paces back and forth and around plants, and someone outside the tank trying to count them. There is food being poured in and the fish all scramble around and ferociously feed on the food and each other and the whole scene is a big mess with lots of stuff going on at the same time, variety of speeds and colors and fish and food and plants and rocks, and the person watching it and trying to make sense of it to get their counting task done is overwhelmed by the whole thing.
Got a headache yet? I do.
Better go back to bed to lie awake in a vegetable state and forget I got shit to do today – it can wait.