I have previously mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I haven’t seen it on paper and sometimes it’s hard to be sure of these things – I think here in England doctors don’t like to mention your problems to you in an effort to make you not see yourself in that light.
Some say that if you are told you have depression, you start internalizing it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I still don’t know what’s exactly wrong with me. I keep asking my therapist directly what he thinks is “wrong” but he won’t say anything to me – he’ll reply with: “Why do you think it’s important for you to get a diagnosis?” Or something like that. He’ll never ever tell me anything and yes it’s kind of pissing me off….
I wish there was a way of sitting down, telling someone exactly how I feel, and then at the end they produce a piece of paper stating some kind of medical diagnosis. I think it would help me to have a name to all my “issues” and problems in life.
I have generally started reading about personality disorders because a) I am convinced I live with a narcissistic housemate and reading about it makes me feel better about the way I handle him and I try take distance and b) I also want to know what’s wrong with me. I yearn to read words that resonate with my soul and make me feel like the things I experience are real, that they are a known thing and I am not just crazy.
I read that in Finland, one in ten people has a personality disorder :O This is the country where I was raised….What chance would I even have to be “normal” if the place I grew up in has such high statistics as it is, plus taking into the account my experiences in childhood, I cannot possibly be a functioning individual.
Then again, I must be positive. At least physically I’m sort of okay. Sort of. Despite compulsive eating, bruxism, stomach acidity issue and spinal problems I am still standing and functioning! I am involved in the Paralympic Games (more volunteering for me…) and I have encountered physically disabled people at the Stadium – limbs missing, small people, learning disabilities – and if they can live then heck, so should I!
We as a society put so much emphasis on physical attraction, beauty, perfection in physique, money, wealth, fame and all that when at the end of the day…………you can never ever be anyone else but yourself.
To be the best that you yourself can be, to overcome the hardships that have been put on your individual path means to succeed. It is hard for me to say this as I am the most jealous, bitter hater there ever has been, but I wish that one day I shall overcome.
Have a blessed and beautiful day and remember to be thankful for one little thing today xxx