After posting yesterday about my worries relating to my compulsive and emotional overeating, I decided to google the topic and what do I find?! It is actually a recognized disorder, known as Compulsive Overeating.
There seems to be another disorder called Binge Eating Disorder, which really well fits to how I feel.
I eat when I’m not hungry. I eat to satisfy other things such as negative emotions, boredom, anxiety and loneliness. I eat unhealthy foods in large quantities – I cannot stop if I’ve opened a chip bag, cookie package or a bag of candy.
I eat alone. When in public, I severely restrict what I eat (not always though) and often if I have to go to a restaurant I stress over what to eat as I look at the calories in the dishes when at home I’d just eat everything in front of me! I have such differing behavior depending on where I am it’s actually quite weird….
I also recognize that I eat too much. My weight fluctuates although it had been at the same level for a while until I got sick in May and lost a lot of weight. All of which has now come back!
I am embarrassed about how much I eat. At work people have made comments about my grazing and nibbling; it is embarrassing to stuff my face at my desk but I have no choice, it’s a compulsion!
Yesterday after I wrote the last post I gave up and walked down to the grocery store and thought okay, I’ll just buy something healthy to snack on but o oh, they had things on offer and one cannot resist a bargain! So I ended up coming back with Kellogg’s snack bars, chips in a multi-bag bag, and peanuts. And ate a LOT of it.
I did leave some in my desk drawer but I did binge on a lot of it…….With peanut shells and empty wrappers littering my desk I silently sighed in my mind thinking, what on earth is wrong with me?! Why can I not stop?
I am not obese and not even overweight (yet!) but I know that if I wasn’t a vegetarian and if I didn’t work out at all, I would be. Being veggie has saved me, although vegetarians can be overweight too. I was vegan at some point in my life with severe mental restrictions on what I could and could not eat, and it was then when I stayed at a certain weight. Now I have just thrown the rules out the window and binge on whatever – dairy, eggs, fish….you name it.
This morning I started out OK – I am working from home and decided to try be normal today and so I made a humongous fruit salad but then started on the leftover cookies afterwards. Luckily there was only three left so I’m okay for now. Drinking coffee and trying to get work done – feeling anxious and irritated so no doubt the binge will try rear its ugly head, but for now I’m full, I’m okay, I will try do this!
Wish me luck….!