I blame my busy life. I am busy – sooooo busy. I can’t really say anything as my identity would probably be revealed quite easily were I to indulge in details, but let’s just say I’m so busy with different things that I have no time for absolutely anything, and my mind is constantly working on overdrive, trying to remember absolutely everything I’m meant to be doing ….
Not a good thing to do. I cannot rest. Or relax. Or turn my mind off of the constant mental blabber yet I am on this high alert that makes me feel like my heart is beating too fast and my mind is racing and even my muscles and nerves are tight.
But apart from taking on TOO much to handle in life (yet I feel hopeless, empty and a failure. Never good enough for myself no matter what I do?!), I am okay I think. I am still in the same apartment I have been for a few years now despite some serious issues with landlord and the housemates (which add to my stress levels FOR SURE), so I have a roof over my head.
I am still in therapy despite not really getting it, and not really making an effort. There was a week when I was silent the whole 50 minutes, three times a week :O Just felt like I had nothing to say…..So I am not really using that time wisely, I think, yet I am somehow unable to make an effort.
I have also become increasingly aware of my emotional issues.
I feel in general that I have “healed” from the abuse I endured as a child – the flashbacks have stopped coming, I am okay about my past, it doesn’t really hurt anymore. It’s just something that happened and that I don’t really have any memories of.
Almost like, when you’ve been shitfaced and really drunk, and the next day you have lingering tastes in your mouth of cocktails you have downed but can’t pinpoint the time, the place, or what was said or what you actually drank. You just KNOW you drank because you can feel the after effects.
I do however feel that I have emotional issues I struggle with.
I have been diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder and…no I think that’s it. Wait, no, I think something to do with anxiety also.
Anyway, I am not sure I believe in all this. I for sure have some kinds of personality problems, but can’t pinpoint what. I was reading on Wikipedia about it and feel like I have histrionic tendencies, narcissistic problems, and really can see myself in the dependent type…..And then once I start reading I imagine I have it all and don’t really think it’s necessarily helpful.
It is in a way that I don’t feel so…weird, when there is a label on the issues I deal with, but then how do you deal with the actual problem?
And I don’t think I can go to a doctor and peel all this off my tongue and expect a certificate that proves I have this or that. In a way I’d feel a diagnosis would help, but how to get it?
In any case, I feel I struggle with things – mainly with extreme anxiety, hopelessness, irritability, lack of focus, lack of ability to stay on a task, irrational fears of bad things that might happen (right now I’m somehow paranoid about my flat catching on fire, or that the world will for sure end in 2012. I am convinced it will.), feelings that I am special to the point where I don’t feel like I can physically take this regularity anymore, yet dream of something big to happen to me because I’m SO special (narcissistic or what?!) and…Gosh, so many things. Mood swings. SERIOUS mood swings. Extreme emotions. Emptiness. Need to be around people ALL the time, and have them focus on ME all the time, and be the center of attention ALL the time. Or I feel worthless.
So let me peel myself off this computer and try do something worthwhile for a minute – even thinking about these emotional things make my heart beat and they give me anxiety and I start getting irritated and panicky. I don’t wanna think about it anymore.
Take care folks, and if someone – anyone – can tell me what’s going on, please comment!!!!!