I am on an edge. I feel something stirring inside me but I keep praying it doesn’t come out.
I feel that I am about to get a major flashback; it’s been coming out for days but I keep pushing it away – I have no time for it now….I don’t want to be sucked into that world right now, I need to stay in the here and now.
The feeling is like when you’re boiling water in a kettle and you hear the first sounds of water heating but you know it’s not bubbling yet. It is heating up from below and it is only a matter of time when the hot water bursts through the surface and bubbles out.
I don’t want it to happen though. I don’t know why; maybe because I am scared to find out what the flashback is about (I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll burst apart and go crazy) and I also don’t want to know because I have my present life to lead and I have no time or energy to be used for that purpose.
I need to keep on going and staying busy and maybe (hopefully) the feelings go away and nothing bad happens. I am not ready yet. Maybe one day when I am not busy in life and when I can break apart and it’s okay to cry all the time, I will sit down and allow the memories to come back, but not now.
Back to work, back to my busy life.
Little Girl in the Rain x