I used to hate children. I know it sounds really bad but I thought all children were stupid and weak and took too much space in this ruthless world of adult understanding and knowledge.
I have however somehow changed…Maybe it is the age (I’m 28…yikes!!), maybe it’s me becoming more balanced in my own self, or maybe it’s just that I sit next to babies and little children in church every week and so I’m starting to find them adorable (especially when I give them a pen and paper and they amuse themselves for ages by drawing random stuff…).
So I have decided I want a child.
Yes, I am on the brink of homelessness (going to court next week for repossession hearing), I am not in a stable career (thinking about quitting and leaving every. single. day), I have no money (some savings but a stroller, Moses basket and diapers later that would be all gone), I have no support (mother thousands of miles away and we don’t even talk) and, well, nothing is stable or great in my life.
Oh and I forgot my depression, antidepressants, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, tumultuous relationship, and tendency to live off of adrenaline and drama until it gets too much and I change my life completely.
So. Maybe not the best of ideas? But I am determined I want to make it happen!
a) if not now, when?? I have realized my life is never ever going to change…..I will forever be who I am, my life will always be crazy busy and random, so why not accept it as ME, and move on to live it to the fullest??
b) I am strong and can work through anything. I was abused and I survived, I was raped and I survived, I have been broke, depressed, suicidal, homeless, sick and whatever else yet I have survived. I will for sure survive and thrive having a baby.
And c) I think I am way more equipped to handle a child than a LOT of other people in this world. I have travelled through developing countries where young women keep having kids even when they don’t have food to eat, I have seen teen moms here in England who drink and smoke and can’t spell right so will forever be living on benefits in social housing, and I have seen women my age – some my friends – make bad decisions and have kids with random men and yet somehow they make it work.
So. I don’t want to sound like I am one of these women who have psychological issues and want a child only so that they can have someone to unconditionally love them which I think is a reason a lot of women have kids, rather I’d want a child because I have so much to give to a new person – my culture, heritage (Finland), life in London, my intellectual abilities, languages, personal values (vegetarian and into saving the world), AND I think my boyfriend would be the type of man to unconditionally love a child like a child should be loved.
NOT like how my mother and father “loved” me. I would never wish that even for anyone. No child should witness violence, be abused sexually or physically, no child should endure fear and suffer in silence. And I know that my child would be loved in a beautiful way because I never got that; it has made me understand how painfully important it is!
I am so used to seeing myself as imperfect that I never thought I’d say this, but I think I would make a great mother despite my shortcomings.
Of course I will think about this but these are just my current feelings, on this cloudy summer day here in London.
All the mothers who read this, please comment! I want advice and ideas and your personal input!
Take great care everyone and thank you for visiting, being a part of my life even if you are in the shadows where I can’t directly see you, on a computer somewhere on the other side of the world….