I was talking to an old colleague on facebook earlier today, and kind of went into detail about my life and what I’m going through at the moment.
I mentioned that I was depressed and she was like why are you depressed?! She thought my life was going so well that I couldn’t possibly have depression as there was seemingly no reason I should be affected by this condition. I didn’t really know what to say or how to answer her question; how can I put into words my hopelessness, anxiety about anything and everything, and my overwhelming sense of unfairness and injustice?
I don’t know why I’m depressed. Many people deal with what I deal with. Some struggle with a lot worse issues yet they triumph. I can’t forever blame my childhood and the abuse as this will make me look like a whiner, someone who likes to blame everyone else but themselves.
Could I be happy? The meds help for sure – when I remember to take them on the regular for a while my mood is lifted, I have energy, and I feel deep passion towards making it in life.
I had hoped that therapy would help too. I had this idea that by investing time and effort into dealing with painful memories would change me; that somehow I could “work through them” and be cured.
I’m not so sure healing from life-long depression is easy at all, but what I am sure about is that YOU have to want to be better. It’s a dangerous cycle to think you feel shit and then feel shit about feeling shit, and then think you can’t do anything about it because everything is so shit, but I really think that healing starts with attitude – you must recognize that things CAN and WILL get better if you shift your own thinking.
It is super hard, I know it all too well, so I’m defo not saying you should just one day wake up happy. Depression doesn’t work like that. It’s small things – recognizing beauty and good things in your life, allowing people in, smiling.
I think for me, I will attempt to make small changes. Today I promise to make a list of things I am happy about, and will try my hardest to not harbor feelings of bitterness.
With love, LittleG