I have started wondering. Really. Can you ever heal? What does it mean to be “healed”? I doubt it means you forget what happened, but…does it mean forgiveness? Letting go of the ghosts of the past? Letting go of the survivor behavior and the depression and all the problems that the abuse caused in your behavior and your soul?
I used to really want to get help. I craved for therapy. When I started this intensive psychotherapy though, I changed. I now faff around, let my mind wander around during the sessions, talk about daily things, and somehow just don’t go there, to the place deep down inside where I guess I should go to be able to .. heal.
My life IS really busy. This affects how much energy I am able to put into therapy. I am still in the process of being evicted from my apartment. I’m busy volunteering on a couple of fronts. I have a full time job. I just started my own business and it is sooooo much work to get it off the ground!
If I allowed myself to dig deeper into my mind and soul, I’m scared I couldn’t come back. And I have to be here. My life demands me to be on point at all times and I can’t let go of that.
I wish I could … relax. Stop being afraid. Know that even if I allow my adult mind drift into the background and experience the emotions of a six-year-old, I’d still be able to hold on to the adult me and the life I lead.
Until that happens, I don’t think there will be any active healing happening…I think healing as such comes in waves anyway – sometimes you can work through and issue and really feel like you are healing but other times you are stalled in the same old patterns and feel like there is no way out of the jail of your mind. It is frustrating, annoying, upsetting and can make you soo angry; why can’t shit ever change???
When it comes to my initial question of whether you can heal; well, I think you can and also can’t. If you have ever been abused, raped, used in any way whether it be emotional, sexual or physical, I don’t think you can ever be “like the other people”. These experiences leave a blueprint in your soul no matter what, and will set you apart from the rest of the world. That’s just how it is. You can’t change what’s already happened, and you can’t take the memories of it all away (though mind often forgets; yet the memories remain hidden somewhere out there, ready to come out when you’re ready).
I do think that you can heal in some ways. After shitty people you can meet a wonderful partner or friends who push you towards greater happiness, self-acceptance, are ready to listen, and try to understand and are there for you. These kinds of people are healers even if they don’t know it!
You can also change your own thought and behavioral patterns, come to a greater understanding of what happened and how it’s affected you, and work through the pain. You need to realize something is wrong first, though! If you think nothing is wrong with you then…you don’t need to change, right?
I think this is best done with a therapist but I’m sure there are loads of people who have just as well worked through things alone (or with supporters) – with motivation and determination, a hell of a lot of things are possible!
So….I guess I’ve healed. I can say that maybe there are days when I kind of like myself. I used to hate myself and my body with a passion, but I am learning to…accept it. Accept that this is me. I have gained greater understanding of myself, why I am the way I am, why I feel the way I feel, and what behaviors are not healthy for me.
I am still a long way away from “being healed”, but I am not stressing. It is a journey, isn’t it? I just have to trust that I somehow am not going backwards, but keep heading forwards on this path.
Have a beautiful weekend!