Having sex after being sexually abused

I have many times wanted to write about sex but somehow I feel like the whole topic is crude and uncomfortable, but at the end of the day I think us who have been sexually abused are most hurt as sexual beings (not trying to say we haven’t been hurt emotionally or physically and so on) and so understandably I think a lot of us experience a lot of .. issues, when it comes to sex.

To be honest about my own journey; I lost my virginity at the age of 17 to a German exchange student in the American Mid-West, or so I thought. I really did believe I was a virgin until then, but was desperate to “get rid of it” because I wanted to be an adult, I wanted to experience something cool and mature and awesome.

It wasn’t really awesome. It hurt, I was embarrassed, it happened in the dark and I was left with pain and blood dripping down my thighs while the guy left the room. Nevertheless, I felt joyous; I wasn’t a little girl anymore.

I then took a strange approach to sex. I always felt like it was a competition, a kind of a game where I’d know what a guy would want, and to give that to him would mean he “won” the game, so I’d avoid actually having sex for a long long time. I would on occasion do it, but more often I’d test guys, see how much they really wanted just that, to then be able to decide whether to drop them out of my life completely or whether they might actually like me as a person.

I had a bisexual phase that started from drunken one nighter with a friend. I have been raped once and I am deeply embarrassed about the whole thing. I have also done things that I regret, things that I really am not proud of. I think it would be fair to say that I have been confused, hurt, and tried to somehow play this game where I wasn’t even sure of the rules but I have always known that I damn sure would not want to lose.

And I have had issues. ISSUES. I have gone numb, had out-of-body experiences while having sex, cried, felt used and abused, played games, pretended, lied, been in pain, used someone else to hurt me, hurt myself, and I have done things that I wish I hadn’t.

My reactions, feelings, emotions and the way I am compelled to act in sexual situations make no sense to me, and are by no means functional or normal. Yet I don’t know how to fix myself.

But I have also been healing. I have been able to talk about my past, I have been able to draw boundaries, enjoy sexual situations, let my boyfriend close, share my emotions and fears, and be able to trust.

It is so not easy though! I wish I could say that I am completely healed but I’m really not, I’m so far away from what I’d like to be. I would like to be able to enjoy penetrative sex without my past coming to haunt me, but I am not sure how to get there.

Anyone else feel like they have similar issues? I didn’t even go that deep into stuff but this is just like a mini-version of everything that’s been going on….

LittleGirl

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Having sex after being sexually abused

  1. Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Many thanks, However I am having troubles with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I am unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone else getting similar RSS issues? Anyone who knows the answer will you kindly respond? Thanks!!

  2. Well i was raped at age 9 and i am trying to have sexual contact with my fiance but eberytime i get flashbacks and thwn we.gave to stop i just dont know what to do….

  3. Hi Samantha and thank you for your comment – it is so frustrating when something that’s meant to be beautiful and loving and meaningful turns into a painful experience because the past rears its ugly head in those moments…I am not sure how to advise you except that keep working on healing yourself from the rape; I think once your mind is more at peace with the past, you are more able to enjoy the moments in the present. It must be really hard and my heart goes out to you – I really hope that you are having or have considered having counselling / therapy to deal with the painful memories, and that most importantly, you are giving yourself time to heal. It is NOT your fault, and maybe take it really easy and slow with your fiance and not rush into anything that feels wrong….Take very good care of yourself xxx

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