Today was the first time I told my therapist about the sexual abuse I endured as a child. It’s weird, I have been seeing him three times a week since last November, and it hasn’t been until today that I’ve mentioned the abuse.
I don’t know why I haven’t told him. Maybe it’s because it’s a him? I don’t generally trust men, I always think they’re out for one thing only and I find it weird that I have to lie down and not see him, so I guess the environment hasn’t been conducive to me being really open about everything.
We have a break coming up next week – Monday is a bank holiday here in England, and then he said he’d be off Tuesday and Wednesday. So I guess blurting something huge out during the last two minutes of our session (I checked the clock) was a way of….letting him know, without having to face the consequences, or having to think about it too long afterwards. I just dried my tears, got up, and walked to the bus stop.
So now my big secrets are out. And I’m terrified!
I also have a cold and so I’m working from home – yesterday was really bad but today I feel a bit better and so I try to pace work by inserting fun stuff into the day – blogging and checking celebrity news online. The skinny celebs make me feel really bad about myself, by the way. Possibly not the best thing to do in the world, but I like immersing myself in other people’s lives – this is why I get hooked on TV shows; it’s so relieving to get all emotional about people’s issues in a fictional program instead of having to constantly think about my shit….
I also wanted to add pictures but I really don’t have any good ones where I’m not in them – so here’s one from last weekend (went to an event with my boyfriend) sorry no faces (yet!) and no names, but maybe one day I will be in a place where I can openly be a survivor of abuse and not have to hide…
Take good care xx