Irritated!

It’s sometimes so hard to control my irritation. Or anxiety. I’m usually pretty stable but when certain things happen I get so irritated that I’m ready to punch someone…And usually this is only after a few specific things. One is when someone touches my stuff or moves my possessions around. I cannot stand anyone cleaning my room (not that people do but I’m just saying), even doing my bed gives me like an extreme feeling of anger and irritation.

Today I came to work to find my desk moved around and all my stuff on a pile on top of it. Needless to say, I was PISSED OFF. Big time. I snapped at a coworker, turned music on loud on my headphones, still haven’t talked to anyone, and I just sit here pissed off and fuming.

Cannot explain it. It is just one of those things that people need to avoid with me, touching my stuff. Moving anything around that belongs to ME will PISS ME OFF.

I also get irritated if I am surprised or if I don’t get my way. If I have a thought or a plan or an idea and I can’t do it, I get physically anxious and super irritated. This was even worse when I had anorexia, I have calmed down over the years…But I have been known to snap and get really moody about the seemingly smallest thing.

So right now, with the desk move, I sit with my back facing the rest of the office and I feel irritated and anxious, I don’t like having space behind me. It makes me nervous and I even thought I’d contact my manager and say I won’t come back to work unless I get another seat – how crazy is that? I just DO NOT LIKE IT. End of. And I will be moody and pissed off for some time until I randomly calm down and usually I then feel bad about my moodiness and feel like people would have judged me…

Anyway so back to work and being fucking irritated. I got drunk last night on my own after the job interview and I really liked it, not needing to care about anything just chilling with my Captain Morgan and Diet Coke and youtube videos. I need simplicity in my life I think. Stress makes me SNAP.

XXX

 

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6 thoughts on “Irritated!

  1. I hate sitting with my back to the room as well…can’t even imagine how irritating it would be at work. Everyone watching your computer screen…never knowing when someone is about to come up behind you. I’m thankful to have my own office….especially after reading your post.

    I hope things get changed around again and you feel more comfortable.

    • OMG yes! I HATE it. I hate knowing there is this vast space behind me and already I’ve gotten people come up from behind me. I just don’t like not having anything behind my back…Cannot explain it, it’s like also at night I have to sleep in a certain way to not have my back towards the empty room…Weird, right? You’re lucky to have your own office, and like I said in the post, I am debating “throwing a tantrum” and telling people I’m never coming back until I get what I want….Which isn’t very mature, but that’s how I feel….

      • I do the same thing in bed!! I actually have my bed crammed up against the wall so I can lean my back against it while I sleep. No one is sneaking up on me if I can help it. I suspect, since I see sexual abuse in your history (hugs) we’ve developed the same sort of protective habits.

        Can you throw a very *quiet* fit? Maybe find a way to get your boss to let you turn your station around somehow (or maybe get a screen of sorts to at least make you feel like there’s something solid behind you?

        (I so feel for you…I’ve been looking behind me every few mintues since I read your post even though it’s quite obvious I’m in here alone!)

      • I know! I usually have my bed against a wall too, but at the moment it’s sort of in the middle of the room, but I have a couch next to in so it’s “safe”. I only sleep well if my boyfriend is around – I hate being along in the dark; I watch out for every sound, imagine monsters in the room, and I have this weird thing that none of my body parts can be outside the bed or something bad will happen. Yet if there is someone else there I’m ok…

        The bad thing is, my line manager works in another country (have only met her once!) and so I sit with people who are kind of like senior colleagues yet not directly above me. And I feel like I can’t make demands…But I sometimes take things out on them when I’m angry at my own manager who I just somehow can never confront about anything…So I feel like if I get through today I might just work from home next week and send bitchy emails about not being comfortable in the office because of the desk change and hope they get the hint! I really can never tell people straight in their face what I want…. 😦 Sigh, yet another thing I do that makes my life more difficult than it has to be!

      • OOh! Yes! Work from home next week if you can! Maybe if you tell them that you find the new arrangement very distracting and it’s affecting your productivity they’ll let you change things.

        I’m an email gal too. I much prefer to write what I want to say, read it over a few times, THEN send. lol.

      • Oh absolutely! I have housemates that I can’t even confront so I leave notes on the fridge door to let them know how I feel….I would never ever say what I really think about someone to their face, not sure what it is but I guess I don’t want to be disliked, even if I dislike that person.

        Oh and it all worked out in the end – I skyped a colleague and said I will be working from home next week, he said what’s wrong, and I said I don’t feel well. He then was like okay strange, how can you tell you won’t be well next week, and I said I actually will never wanna come in again. He was like okay….why? And I finally was able to say I hate where I sit and it makes me very anxious, and he was just like, swap seats. Apparently one other girl hasn’t yet been in so she doesn’t know where she’ll be sitting after the desk move, so after everyone left, I moved her stuff off of her desk and moved! Ha! But it is incredible how a seemingly SMALL thing can completely mess up my day :O

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