I don’t even know where to start...The past week has been like an emotional rollercoaster – well, it seems like my life in general is a rollercoaster so nothing new there, but some really big things are happening right now in my life and I don’t know how to deal with them…
I must have mentioned that I hate my job – it is so demeaning and way below my talents and interests yet I still do it because a) I have no clue what to do with my life and b) It is easy, no stress, I can fit in my therapy in my working life and it looks fairly decent on my resume.
I have started looking for jobs though; although I don’t know what I’d want to do, I still post my CV on websites and hope that someone notices me and gives me a call…which they do…about wrong jobs! I get offered a lot of menial language roles, or sales. Maybe because I have jotted down that I have experience in sales :O
I have gone through three stages of interviews for a really stressful high-end financial sales role (why??? for the money…) and I now might be at the brink of getting it, but I am so confused! I don’t really wanna do it, but I keep thinking about the money…I might have to quit therapy for it because I don’t think they would tolerate weakness or anything, I’d have to be like an ambitious sales person who is confident and with it and would have no issues…And I don’t know if I could do it!
I have two sides (at least) that are at complete war with each other. One of them is this success-seeking confident young woman who is talkative and fun and with it, and the other side is this little hunched depressed woman who wallows in their self-pity and will never want to work or do anything in life but … wallow.
And the older I grow the more pronounced the gaps become, and I cannot get my different sides to come together and work as a whole….And it REALLY bugs me! Why cannot I be a whole? Why am I so screwed up? And not even properly “I’m crazy and in a psychiatric institution” screwed up, but like semi-normal but still not functioning in so many parts of my emotional life??
I dunno….So I either have to throw in the towel and say no, I won’t take this job, OR pretend I’m cool and calm and collected and with it and strong and ambitious and money hungry, and go with the flow and try to make it in life. This is my chance, but I am not sure if I can take it…And I am angry at myself because of this! I WISH I could! I really do! I always fuck it up for myself even when opportunities arise for me to succeed…..
Ehhhhhh anyway. I should feel lucky for so many reasons but I somehow cannot. I pity myself, and I feel awkward and weird and not normal at all…I wish I could lock myself in a cupboard and never come out with my clumsy weird self.
And I don’t know why I attached the candle picture. I guess to bring some color to this….
Urgh time to leave work. Decisions decisions…….