Living a lie

I am so thankful to have this blog!! Sometimes I’m like, bursting with thoughts that I just have to write down, and so this blog becomes an avenue through which to express my feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I am currently really confused – it’s like, just when I thought life could not get any more confusing, it does, and so every single time I think “how much more can I take??” but somehow I end up taking on even more, and still miraculously manage…..

Anyway, I have been too busy to journal as my good friend Miss S came visit me from the States. I have known her for 9 years and I have always thought she was one of the sweetest, down to earth, friendly, open-minded people I have met.

I had been anxious about our plans – she is only two years older than me, but so much further ahead in life with a lot of it figured out, has a nice place, is engaged and about to get married, and so I thought that my little ghetto existence in this shitty little shared apartment in a not-so-nice part of town would make her look down on me.

When she came I realized she was her good old self – okay, way more sophisticated and brand-conscious than before, but I felt at ease and enjoyed the week hosting her. We went hiking in the countryside one day, but mostly spent time in London; shopping, going to markets and seeing sights, and chilling out at mine. I was naughty and spent a bit on a luxury handbag but I do feel like I deserved it!

Now that she’s gone I feel a bit…lost. While she was here I got to live a bit of a surreal existence – I could act like I too was an American tourist who had money to go to Bond Street shops and sit at Gucci trying on shoes, and it felt good. It was nice to be someone else for a little bit. Now that I cannot hide anymore I’m slightly confused and just not sure about who I am anymore!

Not that I ever really knew, but at least for a week I had an identity. Now I’m just my old self, the confused little girl (okay, a woman) commuting to work every morning.

On top of that I have a job interview tomorrow – I have been called by so many recruiters because of my CV which I’ve posted online, and they all want to recruit me for sales positions (I wrote that I’ve done sales which I have, but don’t really want to do again. I suck. I have social anxiety and palpitations and I’m negative and sceptical. Not good) and so I said yes to one and now he’s sending me to face a panel of people from the company. I am scared shitless.

So here I am once again, wanting to have a more challenging and rewarding (financially) and meaningful job, BUT at the same time I want to sleep and watch telly in bed and gorge on ice cream and forget about the world. I am a woman of extremes and I have no idea if these extremes will ever meet to form a coherent human being. Or will I forever have internal battles about every single thing, unable to focus and forever have a sad face on because I feel like I suck and my life sucks and everything is so shit that I might as well kill myself…???

Wish me luck. If I even go. I might not go because I’m so scared.



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