Who I really am?

Thank you all who liked my last post! It means a lot to me 🙂 It’s kind of like wow, people who have no clue of who I am (thus never see my bad sides either!) somehow liked what I wrote about myself, it’s like…positive reinforcement that maybe in the midst of all this craziness in my head, there might be some aspects in me that are good after all..

So I walked home from work to get my head around things – during the six miles I traipsed in my new Havaianas flip flops I had a lot of time to think and I thought I’d continue on the same trail as the last post; mostly because writing things down make them clearer in my head and I get a lot of strength from jotting thoughts on paper (or screen!)

I realized that there were a lot more other things I could say about myself. Putting it all together makes me realize that I am so damn random, but in a tiny little way it makes me smile. I am not just a psychiatric outpatient, a survivor of sexual abuse, an immigrant into the UK, or a career failure. I am so much more….

I am a graduate; I hold two degrees and it was damn hard to study through them with my anxiety and lack of self esteem but I did it! And I didn’t even do that bad…Not that my degrees took me anywhere professionally (not even remotely working in a related field..) BUT I have at least done them.

I love girly things – my hot pink heels make me smile, and I enjoy wearing a skirt and going dancing my butt off. I love music, it makes me feel emotional and touches my soul so often. When I’m really sad, music carries me away with it and makes me feel better even if it makes me cry harder, and when I’m happy music makes me feel joyous about being alive.

I am a citizen of the world. I left my home country at 16 and have since lived in four different countries. Yes, I am rootless and culture-less individual, but I also am a canvas onto which the world and its contents can paint on with their varying brush strokes.

I love hard and I never forget. Bad things, that is. Hurt me once, and forever I will remember that, and it will cloud my judgement for a long time. I hold grudges and I kick people out of my life when I’ve had enough of their shit. I never confront people of course – I simply am too weak for that, I hate confrontation. But I do let it be known how I feel, in small ways at least. I’m childish like that I guess…

My favorite animals are bunnies, horses and sharks. Don’t ask me why, I’m just fascinated with all of them.

I wanted to be a model when I was little, but grew too short and fat and ugly. At university I dreamed of a career in the UN, but never got a job. When doing my Master’s I wanted to become a TV presenter but didn’t even get an unpaid internship. I then have thought about careers in finance, diplomacy, journalism, business, PR, marketing, and everything in between. I still have no clue of what I a) want to do and b) what I realistically can do.

I have 7 tattoos and 4 piercings. To me, my tattoos remind me of the best moments in life, and they make me happy. I read the Bible when I’m really distressed, really like African American movies, and wish I’d go to church more often.

I get obsessed with TV shows and cannot stop watching it when I find a series I like. I was addicted to Lost, Homeland, the Wire, Dance Moms, Everybody Hates Chris….random :O

I also like cocktails and am about to go have a few glasses of something tropical right about now. Feels good to see my life in perspective, and think of myself as a whole more than just separate parts, like the “survivor part” or the “depressed part”or the “office worker” or “young white woman in London”. I am those and so much more.

Stay blessed and I hope this spurs other people to re-think who they are as well.

XXX

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Who I really am?

  1. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be on the web the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get irked while people consider worries that they plainly do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

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