Who am I?

I don’t really know who I am. I can describe myself with adjectives, but to come up with a coherent entity to describe my identity is so hard!

Let’s see…I am a female in my late twenties (although inside I feel about 22. Probably for forever…). I have diagnoses for my mental problems, and so I guess I am Depressed, Anxious and have a Borderline Personality Disorder.

These don’t really feel “me” though…I think about them especially when I take my daily dose of antidepressants or feel really weird and different to other people (and explain my moods and emotions away by thinking oh well I got borderline so I’m allowed….), but I wouldn’t wholeheartedly agree with these tags next to my name, yet would like to say I’m a lot more than mental disturbances and issues.

I’m a lover, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin.

I am passionate about things – I get a bit excited about things really quickly and then I’m all about it for like a hot minute until I forget about it and move to my next object of excitement.. – and the things that have lasted throughout my life are travelling, other cultures and people from different places to my own, foreign languages and lands and exciting adventures in this world.

I get fired up in conversations about the world, Africa, women’s rights, the US, hip hop, cultures of the world, and of course when it comes to sexual abuse / child abuse / mental health. I would love to work for the UNDP in some kind of development-related role, wake up every morning to have a purpose for living and working….

I am a survivor. Of many things actually. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am also a survivor or an eating disorder (anorexia), of rape, and of bullying. I also survived domestic abuse within the family I grew up with.

I have survived malaria, swine flu and broken bones. I almost drowned in Kenya and I have been in the shower when lightning hit the lake where the water was coming from so in effect I was electrocuted.

I am a dreamer, a cynical realist, a pessimist and a constant complainer. I love and I am loved, but I also hate passionately, and anger rages in my heart more often than I wish it did.

I am a walking contradiction. On one hand, I want to love the entire world, stop poverty and climate change and so on, but then on the other hand I despise weakness, people on benefits, people being lazy, people who don’t try hard enough to work hard. I despise ignorance, stupidity, lack of awareness.

I confuse myself. And others. I don’t really feel grounded or that I stand by any one opinion or value. I vacillate between things and feel shaky most of the time I’m awake. It is hard to explain how I feel inside of my head, but it is very anxiety-invoking, stressful feeling I get most days when I try to fit myself in this world and find my own place. To not be jealous of others would be amazing, but I always look at people around me and feel like a loser.

I am a jogger, I love horse riding, I am in love with puppies and penguins and cute furry animals. I am addicted to the sun as in, I’d give up my life to be able to be outdoors somewhere hot, in a bikini, in the sun. I love the ocean, I love lakes and rivers, forests and trees, beautiful flowers and all shades of green.

I have a dream of owning a little wooden house on a Caribbean island, with a big back yard and room for a horse, where I could wake up in the mornings to enjoy a cup of americano on the porch before I set out to write books and articles all day. I’d love to have a baby at some point. I’d love to ride horses every day, write, draw, dream.

I would like to give speeches and teach. I would also love to make films, do photography and do social research. I’d enjoy studying for the rest of my life, and I am really into figuring out why people have conflicts – inter-personal conflict or conflict between groups of people. It is fascinating how we cannot just get along…

I am bisexual, in love with a man who hates my sexual past or feelings. I am a Christian with a lot of very liberal beliefs. I only recently realized God loves me; I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough for God and that God would surely never love a sinner like me.

I am in love with hip hop, the African American culture, West-African literature and Struggle. Any struggle really, as long as there is suffering, my heart will keep aching for those people and my mind will try to think of ways to get involved. I wish I could start my own charity or an NGO and do lots of good things in this world…

I am a vegetarian and despise the killing of mammals. I despise materialism although I take part in it. I hate cruelty towards animals, I hate how people kill animals for their own desires, and I despise people who don’t even think about what they are doing to this Earth. I love recycling, and I hate plastic bags. My heart aches when I see people grabbing free plastic bags when they really could do their part and bring back the old one!

I am not a mother, I am not a grandchild (all my grandparents are dead), I am not a wife and I am not rich. I do not eat meat, and I hate eggplant. I get annoyed by filth and I abhor violence of any kind.

I talk a LOT. a LOT. I don’t know why, but I like to be the center of attention all the freaking time. Annoying, yes (even to me!) but sometimes it helps to put people at ease. A lot of people say I’m like no one else; Little chatty Finnish girl with a passion for hiphop and Africa, a dark past which I hide and have overcome to some degree, yet which haunts me and overtakes my smile at times.

I’m strange, weird, crazy and I don’t honestly think anyone understands me. I am unique. I am Me.

XX

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s