Sitting here in my room, trying to work. I emailed my workmates and told them I’d be working from home, I have no energy to go in…I usually work from home on Wednesdays anyway as I have therapy in the mid-morning, but I didn’t tell them my therapist is off for two weeks and technically I could have gone in.
It is sinking in that my therapist is on holiday. Or somewhere, not at work in any case. He wouldn’t tell me where he’s gone – I guess this kind of therapy means that he never reveals anything about himself to me at all, it’s meant to be allllll about me. It’s just hard when he decides to take a break and I’m left here trying to fill my time with something, anything, so that I won’t think about it.
I can’t believe that I have been in this psychotherapy program for 5 months and haven’t even mentioned the abuse. Or anything really deep either. I used to yearn to let it all out, and whenever I’d see a new counsellor all I’d wanna talk about is my memories of the abuse and my childhood (or the lack of them).
This time it’s so different. I go in there and lie down and sometimes I don’t even want to talk. I just lie there watching the squirrels run up and down the tree outside the window, or concentrate on the wall and flickering lights, or sometimes there’s a tiny spider moving by the ceiling so I can entertain myself for 50 minutes wondering which way it’ll go.
I don’t know if I will ever open up. I have no desire to do so. The therapy has already confused my mind so much, it’s like, nothing makes sense in my life anymore…I am often living in this haze where I keep going on with my daily tasks and things but nothing really feels like anything, and I’m scared of living my whole life like this…I want to burst out of this bubble and enjoy life but…I can’t. This shit is it. Unfortunately. Again I say that when I was younger I always thought my struggles and battles were for something that one day I’d be something big and great and famous, but it didn’t go like that and now I’m depressed.
I’m larger than this little life of mine and I’m yearning to break free….Maybe by God’s grace one day someone will notice me and my talents (don’t have any but I keep hoping….) and give me a chance to become rich and famous and happy and…content.
Until then, you will find me here. On the bed of my rented north London room in a shared apartment, staring out the window and wishing for a better tomorrow…..