I think my soul is finally at peace for a little while. I am sitting on a balcony at my friend’s apartment on the Isle of Wight (island off the coast of England), overlooking a marina, enjoying the sun rays hitting my face while listening to birds sing and boats drive past.
I am so lucky to have good friends. This particular one I know all the way from when I first came to England and we met at university – she was a medical student, and for years we had a semi-close friendship but have recently gotten a lot closer, so when she invited me to come visit her I took up on her offer and I for sure cannot tell you how happy I am that I came here.
We have enjoyed hours of walking over the cliffs on the coast and the moorlands of the inner island, talked about life and boys and my mental problems and just girly stuff, and I am very very fortunate to have a friend who is proud of my little successes from a medical point of view – she has spent months on a psychiatric ward and told me she’s met so many survivors of sexual abuse who really have gone off the rails and end up sectioned and all sorts, so she said she is proud of me for somehow surviving and functionings despite everything. It meant to much to me for her to say that!
She also thinks that my borderline personality disorder should not be a hindrance, but she did admit that the world is biased and once you have a mental illness label, you better be prepared to fight for your rights. I of course know this but it’s sad that if I had a physical disability, the world would give me credit, but a mental one means that I will be discriminated against…..
Tomorrow I have to go back to my real life. No more marina, sunny balcony, countryside walks, the smell of fresh sea air, cycling on footpaths, or hanging out with an old friend in the evenings drinking rooibos and talking about boys. We’ll drive up to London and I’ll go back to my life in the Big Smoke where I eat crap and smoke cigarettes and don’t work out that much and for sure never get any fresh air 😦 I’m sad.
I do miss my boyfriend, and I am starting to miss my own life even though I’ve only been here for 3 days. I wish that one day I could live in a place that felt like home and fulfilled my soul and made me happy; I’d like to feel fortunate to live in a beautiful sunny place which I felt like I belonged in. London is a temporary home but my soul does not belong there. I have no idea where it belongs, but when I’m walking on a cliff path along a coast with sun shining on my face and slight wind rushing through my ears I just have to smile because my soul is at peace and for a moment I can close my eyes and feel at home within myself.
Take very good care everyone and have a wonderful night xxx