Being a survivor sucks ass

Apologies for swearing, but that’s how I feel right now. I am pissed off that at 28, I still have to suffer from the consequences of the sexual abuse that took place when I was uhmmm maybe 6? Most of the memories are hidden somewhere out there, in the inner layers of my mind, and I’m not sure if they’ll ever come out.

Not that I even want to remember. A flashback throws me off balance big time. Here I am, as an educated world-traveller, an adult, living in one of the busiest cities in the world (London), yet when a sudden memory (often just a feeling or an emotions or..just..intuition) comes whizzing into my consciousness, it brings with it a whiff of who I was back then, a weak victim, a child, an innocent and naive little girl, sickeningly taken advantage of by one of the most trusted people in my life, my father.

I think I’ve talked about this before, but even without the abuse my life would have been..difficult. Not in the sense that I had no food to eat or that I lived in the middle of a civil war, but in the sense that my father had his own demons and took them out on my mom even before me. The earliest memory I have of him physically abusing her was an argument they had when I had to curl up into a tight little ball and hide under a coffee table with my doll and hope that he wouldn’t harm her. 

To this day I hate menacing body language as it bring back my dad and his anger. I am afraid of other people’s anger because somehow I expect them to attack me, the looming danger makes my heart race and my mind well up with thoughts of wanting to escape.

Today in Britain they are celebrating Mother’s Day. I hate Mother’s Day. It makes me think about the fact that I don’t have a mother in my life, okay fine, through my own choice, BUT I really had to tell her to never call me again because I could not take that relationship anymore.

I have not figured her out yet to this day, but what I do know is that she is and always has been, incapable of being the nurturing mother one would have hoped for and deserved, and I cannot have her in my life anymore. She knew of the abuse, but didn’t do anything because “she had no proof” and of course, had her own battles to fight. 

I don’t hate her though – I used to, but not anymore. She is who she is and God bless her and I hope she finds peace in her life, but I have to do my own thing and she does not belong in my life. Gosh I could go on about my mother but it’s not really helpful, nothing will ever change. She will forever send me little packages from Finland because she wants to show she still thinks about me even though we’re not in touch, but what hurts me most about this is what’s missing in those parcels. No card, no letter, no written words. And once when there was a card, it was empty. This meant more to me than the entire contents of the package; it meant that she would never quite figure out what to say to me, so it’s best to not say anything.

I am lucky to be in therapy though. I am lucky to have ended up in England out of all places, where healthcare is free, and with much effort and a long process, I was placed in an intensive program four moths ago. I still have not figured my therapist out yet, and it’s strange as I have gone through life with seeing a counsellor here and there over the years. I always thought I’d know what’s coming and I’ve figured them all out, but this one….not so much. He is mysterious, always kind of looming in the distance even when it’s just me and him in the room, ready to analyze my words and say something really meaningful and deep which makes me cry and I don’t even know why I’m crying!

I’m coming back to the real world after a weekend of living in a haze and wallowing in deep morbid thoughts; just as well as I have therapy tomorrow morning and a job interview afterwards! Wish me luck, this Big Girl really needs a better job….! Not that I know what it is that I want to do in life (not being able to focus on anything = borderline personality, so I’m excused), but I guess a challenging fast-paced sales role would uhm at least take my mind off things.

Much love and stay safe and strong and believe in better tomorrow even if yesterday was full of thundery rain.

XX

 

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