Fuck this shit!

Kinda funny I’d post this after the last message where I was all thankful for stuff. I am yet again in an anxious rage because everything is going wrong in my life and I’m sick and tired of being treated like shit.

I live in a shared house where we are being evicted from as I’ve told before. My housemates want to fight for it until the end, but as I do not want to get into more trouble than we already are (and further financial mess by the looks of it) I have been considering leaving the household, which has pushed one of my flatmates into a rampage – I get daily emails from him where he personally targets me (you have issues, remember to tell your therapist that!) to being plain rude, calling me a bitch, a cunt, a weak childish asshole, and all sorts of really fucking nasty shit.

I am in a bad place emotionally because of his bullying. I wonder what I did to deserve this – I react to stress by removing myself from the stressful situation, and feel like my hesitation to stay in the property much longer is justified as it is becoming unbearable (also because this asshole now targets me!). I do not consider myself a weak person, in fact, I’m pretty strong considering I have survived sexual abuse, bullying, moving from a country to another, two degrees and years of professional work which has been exhausting considering I have suffered from depression the whole time! and you call me weak???

I hate him. From the bottom of my heart. He is the reason why I am in a rage, yet somehow I am unable to project my anger at him but play it nice most of the time. Thus I hate myself as well.

I wish I could punch him for all the emotional pain he has caused me, but I could never. It’s just nice to think that 🙂

I don’t know what I’m doing. He is basically forcing me out of the house – where I am a legal tenant! – and I am thus not sure what to do….Confused.com

I wish someone could just tell me what the best possible way out of this mess would be – trust me, it is a mess, a lot more than what I can say on the internet! – but I don’t have anyone like that in my life, and so once again the whole responsibility falls on me. I feel like other people have parents, older siblings, wiser friends, but I don’t have anyone with legal knowledge or anything.

But I do have a great friend coming to visit me in a few weeks from the States and I am soooooo looking forward to taking a few days off and spending quality time with her. I love her so much and she is like the big sister I never had, so it will be amazing that she is making the effort to come all the way to London to see me! (And London of course…)

Gonna make some tea. Been stuffing myself the whole day – I eat when I’m angry, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m bored, or lonely, happy, nervous, anxious, busy, excited….I eat to satisfy my emotions, and yes, it does show on my waistline. So going to try not to eat for a change but live with the anxiety and the fear and hope that I can somehow switch off, relax, enjoy….today.

Have a blessed day,

LittleGirl

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Fuck this shit!

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