Despite all the confusion and anger and feelings of unfairness, I am feeling good today 🙂
I had received an email from a reader that really lifted my spirits; it was so honest, I really felt like it came from the soul with a positive and encouraging message for me, and I had to read it over and over again and I’m close to tears as I’m so humbled that someone who has no idea who I am and doesn’t have to care does care and take time out to send me the encouragement, advice and good thoughts.
I have also thought about things a lot and I don’t feel so hopeless about my future – I know that my resume is haphazardly put together with randomness and no clear career path, and this will be where I fail when I try to search for a new job, but something tells me I should be a) grateful that I did go through all the education even though I struggled, and b) maybe I could stop being so damn honest and tweak the experiences a bit – I mean, who doesn’t lie on their resume??
I am thinking of quitting my job (unless I get laid off first!) and taking time out in the summer to find internships (guess it’s ok to intern at this age…??), take time out to think and write and do creative stuff and maybe work part time somewhere like at Starbucks (think about all the coffee I could drink to then stay up all night writing!!) and figure my life out…
Easier said than done. I am stressed out because I know I am at an age where most people have babies, get married, buy houses and drive cars, whereas inside I feel like a 15-year old teenager with NO focus in life and NO idea about what I’d wanna do “when I grow up” :O But I am a grown-up and I should have it all sorted out!!!
In any case – I am thankful for a lot of things and I hope by writing them down I will ink them onto the canvas of my brain that even on a bad day I remember the good things….
1. I am thankful that I was encouraged to study and have had the opportunity to do so. Okay fine I have student loans and my artsy Master’s degree didn’t take me anywhere professionally (I mean, who does value an MA in TV Journalism???) but in any case, I have been able to spend years in educational settings which have eased my depression as the lifestyle suits me so much more than this 9-5 work way of life.
2. I am thankful that I am from the West. Okay, not to sound horrible or condescending or anything, but I know that if I had been born and raised in a similar family setting (single mom, etc) in a developing country, I wouldn’t have had all the opportunities I have now. Just last night I was watching a really horrible documentary on Current TV about Child Sex Tourism in Cambodia and Kenya, and these kids had nothing so they were forced into sucking foreign pedophiles’ dicks :O SICK!!! I do feel for these children and I wonder what kind of adults they grow up into…Drug users? Possibly. Prostitutes? Most likely.
They would so deserve love, care, psychological help, therapy, families, education, healthcare….but they get nothing. The scars that they have will be far thicker than the ones I have, and for that I have to be thankful for. There are always people who are worse off than us. (side note – it is so hard to think about this when you’re at the bottom of the pit and feel like life is a big pile of shit, and so I’m not advocating the minimization of your own struggles, but the realization that maybe there is something good in your life…)
3. I am thankful for the beautiful souls in my life whose love never ceases to amaze me. Can’t name anyone of course, but if you feel touched, then know that you are one of them. I also received a beautiful email today from someone I used to live with in the States and I have tears in my eyes when I think about the touching words she used to describe our relationship; I love my American family so much even though we don’t even have a blood relationship, they’re just good people who took a broken child into their home and gave me hope.
I am also thankful for the beautiful man I have in my life, who, despite our breakup and my lies and difficulties and mental problems and moodiness and craziness, loves me as me, and never seems to let go no matter how hard I try to push him away. I am blessed to have met him, and I just pray for all the best in the world for him.
4. I am thankful for the memories I have, the beautiful moments in life that I have experienced, the cultures of this world and the happiness I’ve harbored during my travels. I have seen a lot of this world, and met so many interesting people along the way. I think a lot of the people have left a little bit of themselves in me – even if the conversation lasted five minutes – and I will forever carry those memories with me.
5. I also am thankful that I am able to see beauty in this world, and (usually) remain hopeful. My father, the man that sexually abused me in my childhood (and my brother, and at least one other girl) and physically abused my mother, had seen a hard life. He grew up in a violent home, started working at 13, had no education, married only to lose his wife and two daughters in a car crash, then he had meningitis which left him disabled and eventually he lost my mother through divorce, me through the fact that I didn’t ever want to see him again, and my brother and his children because he can’t seem to bear to even stay in touch.
Not that I will ever condone the sick acts he committed – never ever ever – but..his life was hard. And he will die a lonely old man thinking about the shit he did and I just hope that God will forgive him because I don’t think I can.
Yet I remain a person who can see the beauty in the world. I wish for better things, and above all, I am a dreamer that wishes my hopes come true one day.
Have a blessed evening xxx