It is what it is. Life I mean. Some of us have been dealt with shittier cards than others, but…what can you do?
My permanent state of stress, anger, irritation and feelings of things just not being fair is exhausting, but what I never really think about is letting go. I don’t feel like I can, but even the thought of changing is..daunting. I guess I enjoy being pissed off in some way – it is familiar, it drives me and it allows me to wallow in those feelings.
I wonder if I will ever let go. If I will ever have peace of mind, and allow for other things to dominate my existence. I realize I get pissed off about daily things, when in reality I am sure that anger is very deep-rooted and just manifests itself in irritation over something present.
What am I angry about? I try to concentrate on this but can’t. My therapist says I have an obsession about power; that everything I do is about gaining power and then feeling irritated on unfairly treated if I lose the power. He might be right. Losing power does make me very very angry.
It’s also weird that I started this blog as a personal diary to keep notes about my healing journey from being a victim of sexual abuse to becoming a survivor, but instead I think it is now about me writing about how fucking pissed off I am all the time :O !!
I think that ever since I started the therapy I have been more angry and pissed off than ever. I am pissed off every single day! I’m irritated to the point where I reeeeallly want to take it out on other people but I kind of can’t, for they would revenge it.
We shall see where my journey takes me. I am not sure about anything anymore and that pisses me off too…It’s like, my world is falling apart and there is nothing I can do! I used to have a carefully constructed bubble around me and now it’s slowly vanishing and leaving me so vulnerable and I am scared…Scared of being exposed and scared of .. finding out the truth I guess.
Okay back to work now…stay good x