Listening to songs from my youth. Tunes that remind me of certain places that I have been in the past. I feel old. Much older than my 28 years, yet on another level I feel like a little child and wonder if I’ll ever really grow up.
I want to stay little. I don’t want to take responsibility, make decisions for myself; I want to live in a beautiful world where anything is possible and where I can see things through rose-colored glasses and feel safe.
Yet I am “old”. Child-bearing age. I see people around me who make lots of money, own property, are having kids, and are all grown up. I just can’t do it; I keep thinking I should but I don’t really think I can ever get there – I am not intelligent in the money-making sense and just failed at entering a career that would make me rich.
Instead of being financially well-off, my life is full of obstacles. I was told today that my shit little IT job might be outsourced to India and I’ll end up unemployed. Not that this is what I wanted to do anyway, but it scares me to know that I’ll have to start looking for something else.
I’m not good at anything. Recruiters look at my resume and go uuuhhhm well…..you have been around. And I have, I have always taken the first job available, I have had no one to look after me, so I have just had to work work work, and now it looks bad on me because the experiences are so different. You can look at my CV and see I’m not focused. At all.
I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Except be exceptionally happy and rich and famous.
That failing, I’ll end up an alcoholic on my mom’s couch in Finland and watch daytime TV while sipping lukewarm pear cider.
There is no middle ground, I’ll either have to make it big or not make it at all. And that’s my borderline personality disorder talking.
Therapy is going ok though. Challenging, tiring, hard, but I’m still trying. No giving up allowed.
I always wonder how other people deal with intense feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, anxiety, feeling miserable??? I guess they just…suffer in silence.