I think today the fact that I was abused as a child has really hit home and made me so angry and frustrated and irritated and annoyed and bitter.
I had gotten a call from a recruiter a few days ago regarding a job and then had an interview yesterday and it sounded like a great opportunity – I would have almost doubled my salary and gotten a really great and challenging and motivating role (not my dream job, but…gotta pay the bills!) but it would have required me to move to another city in England and after thinking about it overnight I had to email the lady and say I am declining the job offer.
I had to decline first and foremost because I just started my intensive therapy three months ago and have made a pact with myself to see it through (18 months!!) and so I would have had to uproot myself and quit therapy for the job.
I had a chat in the evening with a friend and he was like why are you saying no? This is a great opportunity, and it was so hard to be understood as I don’t think he realizes how important therapy is for me, and it was then when it hit me that “normal” people are blessed to be able to view the world in such a different way!
They can be objective, look at jobs, opportunities, schooling, working hard, making money without having to always think about the dark side. My life revolves around flashbacks, weird behavior that I don’t even understand, slumps into depression and episodes of being extremely happy and then being at the bottom the next day. I get out-of-body sensations, sick thoughts and intense depression time to time. I cannot afford to look at life without acknowledging that tomorrow I might feel like killing myself.
Whether or not I would do it is a different matter; what is important however is the fact that I am not free to choose for myself as I need a safety net, people, stability, help, a shoulder to cry on. I cannot view the world as an opportunity, yet I have to look at things as: Would I be able to go through that without breaking down? Is there enough help available to me?
I am so upset I have to go to therapy; if I had never been abused and had to witness violence from early on, I would be SO MUCH MORE ABLE to handle life! I’d be able to grow, compete, make money, progress in the career sense, but instead I am stuck in a rut and a shit job because I have to make allocations for therapy.
I am pissed off. Really pissed off. I am angry with my parents for what they have done to me; they should have helped me become the BEST I could become, yet instead they fucked it up so that even now at 28 I am struggling. At 28 I have to turn down jobs because I can’t do them because of my mental shortcomings. And it fucking pisses me off.
I pray to God that my gamble pays off; that by committing myself to therapy I am making long-term improvements in my life for me and that maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to … live life for me, not as the victim who suffers and is weak but as a survivor who is strong and independent and proud to be who I am and what I have gone through.
It does not take away from the intense ANGER I feel that there actually are people who don’t have to deal with all this. Like my friend. He is so…fucking free, to view things in such a different way, it feels very alien to me because my thought patterns are absurd and sooo far removed from his….It makes me angry.