But I am feeling hopeful and motivated today somehow (maybe because I finally got my act together and built my own homepage!) and I wanna list down the things that I want to accomplish this year…2012 will be huge…I am really tired of ..shit. And I want to work hard to move on and start to flourish (if it’s not too late?? I am 28 already…..)
I want to really make an effort with my therapy. As I said in the last post, I missed a session this week and the emptiness that followed made me realize I need to take it seriously and – hard as it is – open up and really go there. To the deepest points of my soul, to the source of the pain, of the survivor behavior that messes my life up today. I want to heal. I really do! I am so so so tired of being a survivor right now, it is soo exhausting to live a double life where my face smiles but my heart cries.
I get little flashbacks all the time these days, not images but emotions, especially in situations where someone says something serious and it hooks into what feels like a really old feeling, and I get this feeling like I have been there before, that those words evoke a feeling of something hidden and buried. I am very uncomfortable when this happens but I think I’m strong enough to stay in the moment and go deeper into those feelings…
This year I want to be the best I can be. I want to grow. More beautiful, smarter, better person. I want to grow to love God more and trust in Him, I want to .. sort my mind out.
I have recently broken all contact with my mother, so now the only biological family member I am in touch with is my brother (on facebook!), and I think as hard as it was in a way to cut her out, I am feeling more whole now, like I don’t have to drag that complicated, bitter, difficult and painful relationship around any longer.
I want to find peace. Peace of mind, peace in my soul, and peace in my chosen path in life. I want to become more focused and find my purpose.
I want to learn new skills, find a new job this year, and grow professionally. I would like to take my freelance journalism a bit further but as of right now, I have no idea how to do that.
I’d also like to start my own business, study French, and take up photography.
In 2012, I just want to find inner peace and happiness, fulfillment and joy in life. I want to ignite the memories of my childhood that have been buried deep inside of my mind, I want them to come alive and I want to re-live through the times to be able to let go.
Wishing for love, peace and fulfillment to your soul,