Oh Goooooood. I just woke up, and I realized I was gonna be too late for my therapy session. How fucking embarrassing???
I had to call in and then the therapist called back and he was really calm on the phone even though my heart was pounding; I had really been looking forward to this session and now I sit here thinking omg it’s gonna be days and days until my next session :O ! I feel empty, embarrassed, and like a failure as it’s just so … horrible, letting others down.
The therapy is going well, I have now been seeing him for almost three months, and although nothing major has happened, I realize I have become “addicted” (or used to!) going there and having that space in my life where I can share.
I think it’s weird that I don’t really talk about the therapy much, guess it’s like, it feels so personal that I have to keep it sacred. I still wonder what the point is, and he has asked me if I know why I go there. I said I wasn’t sure. I feel like it’s a huge empty balloon and I have this task ahead of me of filling it, and it’s exhausting and frightening. I never really know what to say in that room, and now that I think of it, one sixth of the therapy time has gone and I haven’t really said anything yet!
I start getting anxious because I feel like I am wasting precious time by not going deep into things and instead I just … lie there, staring at the walls or the squirrel outside the window. They really get fat, these English squirrels, by the way.
I need to get to the point, open up, start sharing, but it is really hard. Yet I have been given this opportunity, and also, I know I won’t want to spend the rest of my life in therapy, so I better use this time wisely. But somehow it’s just really hard…
Just hoping today will be an okay day despite my mishaps and maybe the therapist will forgive me….I really have a huge problem with letting people down, not sure where it comes from but these emotions really bug me badly……
Stay blessed x