Oh Lord. I feel like my head is exploding. I have so many thoughts on my mind that I barely have any energy to concentrate on even finishing one task when it all floats around my head like a giant mess of filth, and the less I get anything sorted, the more I stress and the more anxious I get, and eventually I just freeze like a rabbit in the headlights and can’t function.
My house. I share an apartment with three other people, and we have forever had issues with it. The worst was when black mold started growing on the walls and the landlord did nothing until we stopped paying rent, and now he is trying to evict us and every day I keep thinking how the hell am I going to get out of this mess?!?! We have arguments within the house, people threatening to move out, disagreements and I just keep wishing a quick fix would happen and I wouldn’t have to move out.
I have also started volunteering – more on this perhaps later but it is equally awesome yet daunting, and for sure going to keep me busy for time to come.
Of course I have my full-time job – 40 hours a week plus commute – which takes sooo much out of me. Too much.
My therapy. Intensive three hours lying on that couch being analyzed – I do think it is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, so very grateful for the opportunity, but this doesn’t mean it’s all great either; intensive psychoanalytic therapy takes immense amount of mental energy to be able to go through with it and I am not in the best place mentally to have the clarity to allow the therapy to work…
Gym. I try but fail. A lot. Have no energy to go half the time. I just want to sleeeeeeep. But every now and then I manage to drag myself to the gym to do body pump, spinning, or just some elliptical while listening to energetic music on my ipod. It does make me feel a LOT better after I’m done, but the effort of going is too much 95% of the time…
Finally, I have been offered a performance part in the Olympics (I had to audition twice, but really felt like this is something I had wanted to do!) opening ceremony, and as excited as I am about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I am also very nervous and just pray to God I will be able to handle the rehearsals and be able to perform well. I always think I’m shit at everything, so it won’t come easy for me, but I will try!
I also have this blog, which is my baby, a safe haven for my thoughts, but I don’t think I dedicate enough time for it. I should blog more. I also have another, more commercial one about travel and culture and I have a lot of pressure to keep posting….
On top of EVERYTHING that is going on, I had accepted a one-time offer to come present an ad that will be on a company website – I spent a whole day at a studio with the production team, and although I felt like I didn’t deliver what they had hoped for, I came out with a sense of pride; presenting and performing are something that I’d like to do, but never thought I’d be good enough, so to be asked and get paid (and not be thrown out!) was huge for me!
HUGE. All the things that are going on in my life are huge. Therapy = huge. Being able to hold down a job = HUGE. Living in a situation where we might be taken to court or we might take our landlord to court = HUGE. Deciding to use my spare time to develop my communication and media skills = super huge.
So as much as I am stressed out, anxious, unable to sleep well, I also harbor a sense of fulfillment, as for as long as I feel these feelings, I know that I am ALIVE.
Have a very blessed rest of the week!