Mandatory morning coffee (brewed at home – can’t stand prices at Costa or Starbucks!), Monday morning therapy session, work.
Things are somehow settling back into place – if there has ever been such a thing as anything being in place in my life. As far as I can remember, everything has always been chaotic, messy and unstable; home, family, work, studying, relationships, friendships.
I don’t think there has ever been a time when I have felt completely safe and secure, or that I have belonged somewhere and have wanted to be right there at that exact moment; I have always felt yearning towards somewhere else, to be someone else, to have something else than that going on in my life.
I have dreamed of somehow being able to go back to the States, live among the friendlier people there, work and perhaps study again. I have amazing memories from the time I spent at a college in Wisconsin, and I think that if that was to continue I’d be happy.
I enjoyed my studies, felt like I was achieving something spectacular, I liked my roommate with whom we were super close, and I loved the stability of a tight schedule, hobbies, and living in a dorm.
Yet all dreams come to an end. I had to come back to Britain, had my first flashbacks to the abuse a few months later, graduated with a pointless degree (sociology) and ended up in a minimum-wage admin job. I think that was the point where I lost the ability to believe in my dreams – I had worked so hard to leave my country, study and attain a degree, make a life for myself abroad, all of which were meant to take me somewhere great in life…
And here I am. Working in an office in a menial IT role, living in a shared house in London, where we have mold on our walls and it’s sometimes so cold at night that I can see my breath against the ray of street light beaming in from the windows.
I feel like a failure. I always do. Unless I reach my goals of fame and fortune, I will feel like a failure.
I will forever be destined to be a failure as I don’t even try to attain my goals. I have stopped working hard, I have stopped dreaming and scheming, and I have stopped believing. I wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go sleep. My life is wasting away day by day and I just sit back and watch it float by. I do nothing, and I am so very afraid I will never do anything….
When I was a child I believed I was a Princess. At night I’d dream myself away to another place where I was loved and celebrated, admired and taken care of. This is the world I still want to escape to, but the adult me knows there is no such place.
Dreams shattered, goals unfulfilled, a boat load of Monday mornings to come where my void will be filled by inbox full of Groupon offers and a sugary mug of medium roast drank on my way to work on the overcrowded Underground.
What would the little Princess do? She probably would frown and tell me that it might take time to become a swan if you were born an ugly duckling. Change takes time, and also, you have to be able to recognize when you have become a swan, for if you concentrate on telling yourself you are an ugly duckling you won’t be able to tell when the gray fluff is gone and replaced by white silky feathers.
The pond might be the same, but the bird can change.
Wishing you lots of fulfilled dreams, attained goals, and perseverance to continue on the path.