I am starting to believe that true peace of mind is only possible when we die.
When we are alive, some of us have great struggles, confusions and even wars going on in their heads, and death is the only thing that can bring peace, quieten the voices and allow for rest for the overworked stressed out mind.
I had an episode (I call them episodes as I don’t know what else to call them) on Saturday – I go into a trance-like state where everything feels strange, familiar things don’t feel familiar, sometimes body parts feel heavy or I can’t speak normally, I am really depressed and think about dying and killing myself a lot, I cry and can’t stop crying even though I have no apparent reason for crying, I lose track of time, feel like I’m flying or I’m not in my body, and sometimes I feel like I am a little child.
It was New Year’s eve and I needed to go put money into my travel card (Oyster card) but I couldn’t because when I got to the street I was scared of the fireworks and had to go back home. So things that are normally okay for me suddenly are not, nothing makes sense, all I want to do is wallow in self-pity, depression, sadness, and images of myself in a coffin.
I plan ways to kill myself, I dream of overdosing (and once couldn’t remember if I had actually done it or not because I was so focused on doing it), and I vividly see my own funeral. I cry for the girl that dies in those images, I want to stroke her hair and say it’s okay now, you have found peace, as her face is always in a semi-smile, like she is finally happy.
Everything is going wrong. After the episode something truly horrible happened and I can’t say what, but it was like being in a car that is about to crash into people and there is nothing you can do but silently scream.
I was awake for 37 hours. I had to go back to the office yesterday and I was emotionally drained and exhausted beyond reasonable exhaustion. I have now been served an eviction notice by my landlord and I might be homeless in three weeks’ time. My whole life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do but to blame myself as I am the cause of a lot of my misery.
The demons in my head make me do things, say things, behave in a way that upsets me and it also upsets others.
I am a wreck, I am upset with myself, with my life, with…who I am and have become. I am poison and hurt others around me. The world would be a better place without me; a realization that leaves me with one way out. Am I going to do it? Who knows. If you don’t hear from me, then I will have gone to a better place.
If I do post again, I will still be here, and by God’s grace things will be better. A part of me believes I can survive as I always have; at least survival is one thing I am able to do. I can get through abuse, eating disorders, bullying, rape, moving abroad all on my own, language barriers, being able to complete not just high school (with very good grades! by the way. I am proud) but two degrees as well!
I am a lone soldier, battling against life and the odds that come against me, but along the way I do find help; fellow warriors, friendly helpers, a shoulder to cry on.
Maybe I will be okay after all. Maybe I will be forgiven, and I will forgive myself. Maybe therapy will help, maybe I will find a home, maybe I will find a better job. Maybe I will find new friends, learn new skills, grow and move upwards in life. If I let go and let the demons push me off my horse, I will never know if I would have had the chance to win the fight in the end.
May God bless you all and be the hand that keeps you standing steady.