Sexuality

I had a friend over before Christmas whose fiance broke up with her just recently and in our wine-induced girly talk she disclosed to me that he was gay.

Okay, well, he doesn’t think he’s gay but for a long time he had been having sex with men (that now apparently has stopped so he “isn’t gay”) so most people would classify him as such. I asked her how she felt and she said that she has come to a conclusion that men turn gay because of a messed up or broken or abusive father-son relationship. Pretty big allegation to make, but it really got me thinking…Can people turn gay if they are abused as children?

I am sure a lot of people have given this some serious thought – after all, most societies view homosexuality as sinful and deviant, so there must be a rational reason for someone to choose to have sexual relationships with their own gender, but to claim anyone with an abusive childhood would become gay is surely not scientifically proven.

That being said, having …struggled, with my own sexual identity, I have wondered about these things before. I have met a lot of women with a history of broken childhoods, abuse, alcohol and drug abuse in the family, that now have sexual relationships with other women, so I really just wanted to find out what people think – if you are abused as a female child by a man, can you become gay because of that?

I guess for me, I think that abuse might be a push factor – after all, it is only rational that if your sole experience of the male gender is that of abuse,mistreatment, being hurt and disrespected, you could turn to women for your basic needs of intimacy.

But then again, not every single abused woman is gay. There must be thousands of women out there, happily married to men (with kids!) who are not attracted to women at all in any sort of way.

Personally, I have always been straight, attracted to men, dated men (okay, tried to date men but no one really ever liked me…) until I was raped in college, sought refuge at a close friend’s place a few weekends later, got drunk and high with her and found out she was into women. I felt good, but with hindsight it wasn’t really about the sex, it was more about trusting her, feeling…safe. I had never really had that with anyone, and I was finally able to enjoy that part of me that had been so damaged prior to that.

After moving to London I began to wonder if I was gay after all. Surely straight women don’t have sex with women, enjoy it, and continue being straight? I ended up going to gay clubs, meeting lots of people, and before I knew it, all of my friends in this city were from the gay scene. It was addictive – I have always dreamed of being famous, known, loved, liked, and here I was, in London, where I could walk into a club and people would know me, say hi, talk to me…I felt like I finally belonged somewhere.

I never imagined being with a woman in a relationship (had like one, a short one, where I didn’t take it seriously at all….) – in my mind the person whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with is a masculine man, someone who takes care of me physically, emotionally and financially, someone who loves me for me, carries me through tough times, and who is funny, lovable, friendly, passionate and flexible.

In therapy I have realized why I have been attracted to women, or wanted to fit into that crowd. Well, sort of. Not sure I have figured it all out yet, but I have come to realize that I don’t equate sex with emotions. Sounds weird huh, I mean, women always think sex is better when you have it with someone you love, but I am just a weird opposite of that – I can go through my mental list of needs and boundaries with someone and when they’re gone, then, oh well, but when I really love someone and get close emotionally sex gets sooooooooo hard! I freeze, panic, get anxious…

I feel naked, emotionally, and it is such a freaking scary place to be! You feel like…the walls are closing in, you’re lying there panicking, you feel like you are going to make a mistake, that you won’t like it, that the other person will notice, that you are uncomfortable and scared and panicky…

Sex is so damn hard when you have been abused sexually. I don’t even know where to start. This one thing that you have as a human being, your flower, the beauty of your ability to create new life, had been crushed, stamped on, hurt and broken, and you can easily spend years protecting the little pieces of it, but when you decide to heal it all, oh boy are you in such a fucking mess…

Sorry for my cussing. I’m just really pissed off right now. I’m pissed off that I was used and abused by someone for their own damn good, manipulated, hurt and broken in so many ways. I am pissed off that this all led me to get into situations where I was being again taken advantage of, just because I was too damn broken to behave any other way.

I’m pissed off that I have had to search for who I am, that I have had all these confusing experiences, and that even when I did meet a genuinely nice guy, I still had to defend myself and explain myself and try to make him understand that I wasn’t going to leave him for a woman just because I had once searched for myself and had these experiences. That I have found women attractive, perhaps because they have not felt like a threat to me.

A woman can’t hurt me. That’s what I told my therapist. A man can, a man has a penis, and this gives him the power to hurt me, and I always have to have my guards up because men have the ability to crush me. A woman and I are equal, no girl is ever going to be able to harm me. Ever. And this might just be the reason why I had been into women prior to meeting my boyfriend – once I discovered that sex isn’t all bad, it had to be expressed in one way or another, and since men can’t be trusted……..you can always get your urges fulfilled by women.

If anyone reading this is gay and thinks I have just disrespected you by claiming abuse turns women gay then I’m really sorry for being ignorant. I can only speak for my own experience. I did hate my mother with a passion when she screamed down the phone to me that I was with a woman because “of what your father did to you” for I thought she was denying my sexuality and my identity, but it kind of makes sense to me now after having loved a man (oh my God here I sound so fucking ignorant again – most men usually tell lesbians that they’ll turn straight if they just get fucked good by a man. Serious. They do say that. #ignorance), but I would never ever let my mother know she was right. Ever. That woman can grow old and live in guilt because she knows she didn’t protect me and save me. If it means that she’ll think I’m a lesbian (she is very deeply Christian and is just like, not cool, with gays) then so be it. I have to get back at her one way or another, after all.

Oh wow I have written a novel again. Shame. It’s just that when the thoughts come and swirl around my head I have to just keep going. Aaaaand I also know that if my ex sees this, he’ll go nuts. He always used to say I’m really a lesbian, and blah blah blah, and so if he sees me write all this down he’ll think that he was right, because for me to discuss my sexuality means I am not completely straight….

In any case, gotta love ya and leave ya, sleepy time. Good night lovelies and take very special care of yourselves.

LittleGirl x x

 

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3 thoughts on “Sexuality

  1. Interesting post.

    My goodest friend is a gay male. He came from a wonderful “normal” family. He has no dysfunctions at all. He never dabbled with girls, has always been gay. Nothing “went wrong” and turned him gay.

    I do think that people get confused and believe they are gay or be with others of the same gender because they are trying to get something they need, resolve something in their minds. They are not “true” homosexuals. I don’t think that’s wrong to do, though.

    On the flip side, there are natural-born homosexuals who have been hiding who they are their whole lives and feel pressured to live “normal” lives because they are afraid and know what society thinks of them. They live in denial of who they really are or live in misery because they are forcing themselves to be who they are not and they know it.

    I was sexually abused by my stepfather and even though I know I would feel safer with another woman, I am not attracted to female parts at all. I admire women’s beauty, but I feel no lust. I generally don’t like sex at all, but I can look at a man and covet him.

    Also~I would feel safer with a woman, but I do know that women can abuse other women. A bisexual female friend of mine was physically abused by her girlfriend. I know she’s not the only one. The feeling of safety comes from the person being more equal to me in size and strength and the fact that I understand women better than I do men.

  2. Thank you for your comment and your views – I totally see where you are coming from and I wish I could see some things the way you put it because I should somehow know a woman can abuse a woman, but I just have these very rigidly controlled images of what a man is like and what a woman is like in my head, and I put people in boxes according to their gender and it really is not helpful at all … I have a male therapist at the moment and it has become an issue for me to think of men in very basic terms and being incapable of trusting a straight male with sensitive information….

    I believe some people are born gay and some straight, and then there are some people whose sexuality is shaped by their life experiences. And this is not wrong as you said, it’s just how it is.

    You sound like a very strong and thoughtful person – I was just reading your blog and have been inspired and I’m honored that your comments led me to your posts which I can really really relate to on so many levels! Thank you for connecting and I wish you all the best in your journey!

    x x

  3. The rigidness you talk about is, I think, a normal reaction to the abuse we suffered. I am very scared of men and it is taking years for me to interact and relate to them beyond my fears. That, as you know, means seeing them differently. Very tough thing.

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