I wish I could be honest

I am so sorry for not posting anything in a long time. So much has happened, and I really wish I could let it all out and write it down, but the people involved in this matter might be reading the blog so I can’t, and it really hurts.

To cut the long drama short that has lasted for a year and a half or so that culminated in the breakup of my relationship with my boyfriend is not easy. It had to do with my friendship with a person who I had been intimate with in the past, my boyfriend’s views and values that were different to mine, my hard-headedness and desire to be independent and not do what people tell me to do, and a whole lot of other complicated stuff.

In any case, it has been really tough emotionally. I have been torn apart, I am heartbroken, don’t know what to do, and right now I just so wish I could write my real thoughts and views down but I know I can’t because it would all come out and I have to preserve the  feelings of others.

At the end of these two emotional weeks I have lost a friend, someone whom I had been friends with for years and years. Someone I used to love and a woman I thought I’d have in my life forever. Circumstances made the friendship impossible, yet I do mourn the loss of woman, a sister, who used to be so close to me.

I also had to cut out another friend from my life due to anger, disappointment, feelings of disrespect and being let down. I had to do it because there might be a way for me to reconcile the relationship with my ex, and for this to happen, I had to give in. I feel hurt, disappointed, distrusted and pushed around.

I am resentful towards the person I thought was the love of my life for letting someone else who used to be important to me and whom I had wanted to keep in my life, to get in the way of things and for making a mountain out of a mole hill, and hence getting so worked up about my “friendship” that he made me choose to either keep my friendship, or lose him.

I kept my friendship. And lost him. Days of tears, anger, sadness and confusion later we started talking again and I had to make the choice again and this time I said fine, my friend is gone.

I mourn, for sometimes changes are too much. I am not so great at commitment and being able to be hundred per cent open with someone, but I didn’t want things to come to this. I have however, reconciled with my ex to a large extent and even got invited to his family’s for Christmas 🙂

His mother gave me a present, something my own mother could not have even done. My mother does not know me, and when she sends me something it’s so…ill-suited and just lame, and so to get a present from someone who barely knows me and have it be so wonderful was powerful.

I spent a few days in great company, joking, laughing. I felt a part of their inner circle, and it felt good. It was strange to be there in the capacity of being my ex’s ex, but I guess because we are now getting close again after the horrible breakup, it didn’t feel so ..different.

I shed a few tears on Christmas Eve because I missed my family. No, I missed something that could have been but never was, I missed something that I never even had. I missed the people and the atmosphere and joy of Christmas, but in my head everything was good, people were smiling, my brother never tried to kill my mother, my mother wasn’t disappointed and sad, and in my dreams I was happy because I had the kind of Christmas I had always wished for.

Back “home” Christmas Eve is what we call “Christmas”, and we have lots of traditions that take place. It is a really important event, and coming from a Christian family, the reading of the Bible by the male head of the household, and going to midnight mass, are very very important. I have always looked forward to Christmas, not only because of the presents but because of tradition, being able to do things we have always done, and enjoying..being together.

Yet it was never really quite like that. My father always ended up arguing with my mom and would storm out, and even after their divorce and our subsequent move to the shitty old house in the countryside, the Christmases didn’t get better.

My last Christmas with my family ended up in a fight between my brother and me, in which he threw a full soda bottle at me which hit my mother in the head instead; while the blood poured out and I screamed in panic on the floor, he calmly walked back to his room and didn’t come out. My mother was too scared to go to hospital (“people would ask what happened and I couldn’t tell them it was him”) I had to press snow and ice on the big wound and throughout the night it kept seeping blood onto the pillows.

I will never ever forget that night – I was so scared of my brother that I had my mom come to my room and slept on the floor, and pushed a chest-of-drawers in front of the locked door just in case my brother would try to come kill us both. He used to be so angry and full of rage, and on top of his Satan worship thing going on, he was a scary person.

….Wow I never intended this post to be this long. I guess it’s just because I haven’t written anything in a while and then all these things have happened like Christmas, and the breakup and lots of emotions and feelings and confusion and…everything. I am on a break from my therapy, full of thoughts and feelings and no way to let them all out…

In any case, I do hope that you had a lovely Christmas, enjoyed whatever it was that you did (I do think people can even enjoy being alone enormously, if they just pamper and treat themselves!) and that you are looking forward to 2012, for I really pray to God that it will be the best year in your life, and that you all let your inner children take over and rush you towards uninhibited adventures and joy!

With much love,

LittleGirl

 

 

 

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