As hesitant as I was when I had to decide whether to continue the charity-organized once-a-week counselling or to take up on the psychiatrist’s offer of intensive psychoanalytic psychotherapy, I am now very happy with my decision to go for the new treatment.
I didn’t even make it to my final counselling session at the charity – I was meant to see the lady for the 16th and final time last week, but I cowardly emailed them telling them I can’t attend; I could not face to see her and her disappointment in me because I’m quitting on her and her help, so I just emailed her and the charity thanking them for everything and decided to move on and put all my energy towards the psychotherapy.
I am so glad I have the opportunity to do this – I really need it! I wasn’t sure at all if I was going to be able to make the commitment, but now after three weeks I am looking forward to the time I will have to talk about my issues and what is on my mind.
It is weird talking to a man though – especially a man that sometimes says things I don’t agree with. Challenging authority hasn’t been my strong point, so it’s going to take some getting used to.
Also the fact that he is a man is..not easy. At the moment the only man that I have ever been really able to trust with my life – who I know would never take advantage of me in any sort of way – is my boyfriend. That’s a lot of distrust-able men and since my therapist belongs to that group, I am not sure how effective talking to him is when at the end of the day I don’t trust him.
Sometimes my boyfriend asks me why I’m with him – I have a history of sexual encounters and one brief relationship with a woman, and he is somehow convinced I am a lesbian and that I really don’t wanna be with a man but I’m only with him because he cares about me. It makes me sad; sad because he will probably never quite understand why I generally trust women and distrust men, and why it is a big deal to trust him, and actively make a choice to be with a man in an intimate relationship when I generally have not ever been able or willing to do that prior to meeting him.
Anyway – it all will one day work out I hope. I am for sure not a lesbian, and yes I do identify as a bisexual I think, but whether this is because I was sexually abused by a man in my childhood may or may not be a contributing factor, so I really dislike it when I have to explain my sexual preferences or have to explain why I am what I am or why I feel or have felt attracted to certain people. I don’t know the reasons for a lot of things – for example, I was 100% straight growing up, and only by accident “became” “gay” when I got high and drunk one evening and cried and slurred about how I hated men (this happened a few weeks after I was raped) when visiting my friend in Chicago, and my friend sort of seduced me maybe and tied me in her bed and … gave me a new experience.
This stayed in my mind, not because I ever had romantic feelings for her (it really just was physical!), but because up until that point I had been used; every sexual encounter I had had in my life had been because the man wanted me sexually, wanted to use me for their enjoyment, whereas with this friend…it was like, she wanted to give me a good experience.
In any case, I have been romantically interested in women. Not to give my boyfriend a heart attack when/if he reads this, but I think it has been psychological – women cannot take advantage of me. Women can’t use me. Women can’t rape me (although once someone did try). Women can’t hurt me. Women are for sexual use only (God, do I sound like a sexist man or what???), and as I had discovered my sexual desires at the age of 21, I also found a safe outlet to my needs.
Being with a man is different. A Man is…masculine. I like to feel small. Feminine. Sexy. Beautiful. Only a man can make me feel these things. Loving a Man is risky and scary, but I am learning to let go, let him in, allow him to make me feel good the way no man has ever done.
I am healing. Growing. Learning new things like being honest about the deepest thoughts and emotions and secrets, about my past, about who I am. I see myself as a rose that grew from the concrete, with odds against me and feet trampling on me, but I am beginning to thrive. I am growing thorns against invaders, and allowing safe hands to touch me. I am beginning to blossom and grow roots deep into the soil. Maybe one day I can push through the concrete, break it into pieces, and make space for something new and beautiful around me.
Wow this post became something completely different from what I thought it would be like, but in any case I hope this stirs emotions in you and that you also feel like you are growing, learning and shaking things around you. Be you, for you are the Only One who can do so. Be proud, stand up tall, and challenge the way people see things. Break the concrete, grow deep roots, and blossom, for if you don’t, the little seed planted in the soil will have been wasted. And nothing in this world is worth being wasted.
Much love, LittleGirl