Birthday

I will turn 28 tomorrow. Whoa. Big emotions. I am ill, got a cold, I feel alone and sad, forgotten about and lonely. I sit at my desk and can’t even focus on work because I have no…energy to do anything.

I am confused. Confused about therapy – which one to choose??? The NHS psychotherapy which would continue for 18 months and might really make a difference in my life, or quit that before it’s really started and continue seeing the lady at the charity where I have been going for 15 weeks??? OR do neither and just continue life as it is; surely by now I am strong enough to handle anything, plus I am very¬†analytic and know who I am, what I am, and why I think what I think.

Confused about life. Careers. Work. Money. Home/house.

Ill. Cough, headache, runny nose and feeling run down. No energy, just wanna stare into the distance.

Yet I still have little bubbles inside my mind; bubbles full of dreams, images, happy thoughts. Bubbles that might burst, but they might also grow and morph into reality, if I only can work hard enough.

28 years ago my mother had a one-year old, and was in labor pains. She would be on her way to the hospital, where they would eventually perform C-section on the 29th of November 1983, and the little old me would come out of her belly. I was pink, screaming, and big for a baby girl, but I’d imagine my mother was full of joy to have me.

I think she still might be, but I wouldn’t know, we don’t really talk. I avoid her calls like the plague, I have nothing to say. I don’t want to tell her anything about my life, anything about who I am. She doesn’t need to know, the umbilical cord has long been cut off and we are two people now, both with our own values and visions for life.

I wish I had a mother. Like a … real mother. Someone with whom I was close. Someone to call when I was sad, happy or angry. But I don’t. I’m 28 and an adult (even though half the time I feel like a teenager!!) and I should close the doors to my youth and look forward to having my own children, building a dream for them. Yet I can’t, as I still feel like a child myself.

It is hard sometimes. Life. What it throws at you. You can duck, hide, run against the waves or turn your back, but you can’t control what is coming at you. You can only control how you react to it. And so the question is, am I reacting in a positive way or negative way at things that are happening in my life right now?

I was meant to get my friends together tomorrow after work at a bar and then afterwards go for dinner, but I don’t feel like it. I am ill. Sick. Tired. People have dropped out and I am coughing my lungs out, I don’t feel like I want to celebrate…I don’t feel like being here, I just want to go to bed and wake up in December preferably, and pretend like my birthday never happened……….

Stay blessed,

LittleGirl

 

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