Endings

I had my final closing session with my former therapist whom I used to see for quite a long time until we abruptly finished about a year and a half ago.

I generally don’t like endings, they make me feel like I am losing something in life, something will finish which I’ll never get back, and the anxiety that follows the thought of “this is it for the rest of my life I’ll never get it back” is overwhelming.

Yet I felt like it was the right thing to do as I have already moved on and am seeing someone else. It is true that when I lost her and the support she had provided me with for over a year, I was really desperate for something else to fill that space, which then led me to seek help from both the public sector health care providers, as well as looking for private counselling.

I never found a private one that was affordable, but I did find a charity which took me on and I have now also been seeing a lady there for 15 sessions. When my former therapist contacted me for closing sessions just a while ago, I knew I shouldn’t see for many sessions as I didn’t wanna get into thinking that she would take me back as she wouldn’t.

I have now seen her three times and this week I said this is it, as there is no point in dragging it on as I can’t then keep seeing many people as it’s just really confusing and not conducive to my well-being at all.

My former therapist told me she thinks I have changed a lot and grown so much, she thinks I’m about 75% in my healing, and that she thinks I am one of her success stories, whatever that means (she did say everyone is a success in their own way!). I cried a little because her words touched me, she is such a wonderful motherly lady who was there for me when I really needed it, and as a survivor herself she always could relate and just allowed me to be me however I felt.

With regards to the public sector mental health care system; well, they really have pushed me around. I first saw my own doctor who sent me to CBT counselling, which was pretty pointless, and after my 12 sessions there she sent me forward down the line to be psychologically evaluated. That resulted in three evaluation-sessions with a psychiatrist, who then sent me to the Mentalization-Based Therapy group for 12 weeks. After that, the traumatic evaluation with another psychiatrist, who pushed me to the psychoanalyst (in training) who now has taken me on for the next 18 months.

As I have now started that and have been intending to stay in the program, I also have had to face the fact that I’d have to quit seeing the lady at the charity. So last week it was emotionally really tough to first see my former therapist for the last time ever, as well as tell my charity counselor that I have chosen the psychoanalytic therapy “over her”.

The endings with the woman at the charity was so different from what it was like with my former therapist. I think the counselor thinks I have made the wrong decision; she even reminded me that her and I were getting closer and deeper, and by changing therapists she thinks I am trying to stop myself from having to deal with the deep issues. Her words got me confused and I started wondering if I really have made the wrong decision – I could easily keep seeing her, which would suit my lifestyle better, whereas taking on the intensive 18-month program means my whole life needs to change :O

I left after the session feeling like I have let her down, that she is angry with me for “leaving” her, and that I really don’t know what I should do? Endings are so so so tough, especially when you initiate it and you have to bear the responsibility for your choices, and you only have yourself to blame if things go wrong…….

So I don’t know what to do. Continue with the charity therapist and cancel the intensive psychotherapy, or see the charity therapist one more time to say goodbye while continuing to put the effort into the psychoanalytic psychotherapy??

If anyone has advice at all, this is when I need it! Comments please!!!

LG

 

 

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