I was so nervous – this is going to be a major commitment for the next year and a half (three times a week as well!!) and for a commitment-phobe like me, this is a really big thing.
I have been to therapy a LOT in my life – either forced into it when I was underage and battling things like anorexia, or later in life when I was already at university and felt like my world was falling apart and I really needed help.
This is the first time however, when I have to make a long-term time-consuming commitment to…helping myself, and it is really scary. What if the therapist decides I’m not “bad enough” and makes me quit? What if I get offered a job that requires me to do regular hours (well, my current one does as well but hey ho, I’m gonna have to think of something to tell my boss…) ? What if I get sick of England and want to escape and run away?
I have decided to give it a go in any case, and this means I have to let my charity counselor know that I want to finish with the counselling I get through them. I had my last session with her on Friday and I did mention I have been offered NHS therapy and she didn’t seem that keen on me doing the intensive one and quitting on her….I’d only have 14 sessions left with her anyway so in my opinion it’s best to choose the one that will help me in the long term.
I am tired of therapy though. I am tired of “having issues”, I am tired of remembering the abuse (especially when the memories come in intimate moments with my boyfriend and I end up feeling shit because I yet again ruined the sexual encounter), I am tired of talking about things, and I am tired of….being a survivor I guess. It makes me sick to my stomach that my life has been ruined by someone else, I had no say in the matter, and I am the one who has to live with this shit. For the rest of my life. It will never ever ever go away. Ever.
Will I ever remember everything?? I had my first flashback in May 2006 (21st of May to be exact) and that was the day when my life was changed forever, and the following 5.5 years have been ups and downs and discoveries and tears and breakthroughs, but I still cannot remember much. The memories I have are vague, either picture-like or film-like, but the little me in them doesn’t feel like the real me, we two have no connection.
I talk to her sometimes, trying to find out how she feels, but she is sad a lot of the time and walks with her head hanging and staring at the sidewalk. She likes to watch snowflakes falling and she also likes to stand in the rain watching the water pour down and drip from the edge of her umbrella. She is not happy and there is nothing I can say to her to comfort her.
The part of me that is her, or was her, is buried deep somewhere inside of me. She only comes out when things don’t work out for me, and forces me to destroy parts of myself…She is the one that cuts my arms, she alienates people from my life, and she tries to make my misery become unbearable.
I don’t know if she does it on purpose, or if she’s just so miserable she can’t face happiness, but the sad hurt part of me is that little girl whose life is still unknown to me. I get glimpses but I can’t remember complete events or things like that.
I know she was really hurt, and I know she is disappointed, frightened, confused and lost. She wished for the whole world to love her, and she dreams of being admired and loved for who she is.
Maybe in my journey through the psychotherapy I will be able to connect with her as I haven’t really been able to before. I think this is the only reason why I want to commit to it; the possibility of rediscovering the little me that I buried deep inside my soul a long time ago.
Have a blessed Monday and the rest of the week and I hope that all of you are one day able to confront the frightened little people that you were when you were violated, and take their hands and tell them no matter what happens, you will love them for who they are. Accepting and nurturing the hurt inner children, and promising that you will do everything you can to take care of them.
With much love,