Darkness

I can’t sleep. No, I don’t think I have insomnia, it’s just that a lot of the times my mind is too full of thoughts, anxiety, worries, and emotions that it is impossible to let go and fly off to la-la land.

It has been three days since I came back from my winter break in the Gambia, and I am finding it really hard to adjust to “real life”. London, my job (did I mention I hate my job?? It is nothing I ever imagined doing yet there I am, traipsing down the street to the Underground on my way to the office, every single week day of my life), my current housing situation (very bad landlord, trying to avoid renovating when I have mold growing on my walls)…

I have a very strong urge to let go of my past, it’s like…I’m turning 28 in a few weeks, and it really has hit me hard that I am only “here” – I have not accomplished the kinds of things I would have wanted to by now. Maybe I am harsh on myself as I have accomplished some things; I have traveled a lot, seen the world, I am in a committed long-term relationship, I have a job….BUT I don’t have the things that I yearn for, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to get those!

I dream of…financial stability. Lots of money. I wish I never had to work, I wish I could just write, blog, travel, dream, study and enjoy life. I wish I had a home, my own place. I wish that one day I had a child, a baby girl who’d have curly hair and caramel-color skin and who’d laugh and smile and make me realize that things can be changed, that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

I wish…I had an opportunity to work for the UN. Do something good and great. Wake up every morning knowing that that day I will do something good for the rest of the humanity. Film a documentary and change lives and thought patterns. Raise money for a good cause. Talk about my experiences and how I survived and how others can too. Laugh, smile, lie on the beach, swim in the ocean, trek in rain forests, become successful in my own right.

Yet…Here I still am. And I have no way out. I cannot focus on what it exactly would be that I’d want to do – my thoughts go from wanting to work in public health to becoming a travel guide to working in the financial industry to running away and renting a flat near a beach in Africa and blogging from there. I cannot decide and nothing is helping me decide.

Time is running. Time flies. The clock keeps ticking. I am not getting any younger, and decisions need to be made. I do not want to rent a shabby flat in London and work in admin when I’m 50! I would have wasted my talent, my dreams, my aspirations and my desires.

I type in the darkness. The light from the street lamps cast rays into my room and the last candle is about to burn out. I will try calm down, stop worrying at least for tonight, and put the laptop down. I can’t turn it off for I am scared of the darkness. I feel there are monsters waiting for me to be alone in the pitch black room so they can come haunt me, and I must keep at least a little source of light on every night that I spend alone.

I have a dream. I always have had a lot of them, actually. I have dreamed of becoming the first female Secretary General of the UN, I have dreamed of living in the Caribbean and working as a freelance journalist, I have dreamed of starting a charity where I’d own horse stables and would get underprivileged kids to come and learn to take care of these beautiful creatures (I believe in animal therapy, big time) and learn to have compassion through that, and I have dreamed of starting my own brand or a company, something that I could pour my heart into and which would make me successful and happy.

Yet all I can do for now is try sleep so I will have rested to be able to function at work tomorrow. Does it mean my big dreams have died? Can they still come true? Only God knows. I just feel that I was meant to be something, for I would not have survived it all just to become…this. I feel that I am more important than I really am – conceited, yes, but I can’t help it.

As Eleanor Roosevelt put it, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”. Dream big, work hard, stay grounded and allow yourself to soar for success and happiness are the only ways to show those who try to bring us down that we have refused to believe in their might, yet are able to fly high.

Sweet Dreams,

LittleGirl xxx

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. thank you so much for sharing your story, struggles, pain and victories…..you are amazing! i will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers……it pains me to know you suffered such abuse….i find that sharing my story has helped me to heal….forever the scars remain, but life goes on and i will not allow my past to taint my future any more!! i look forward to following you….

  2. Hi Terri,

    Thank you so much for your comment – I am especially thankful for your sympathy for sometimes I struggle by myself and feel so alone and different, but to know that I can post my thoughts here online and someone else has feelings about what’s happened to me makes me feel like I am not so alone after all…It is true, the scars will remain but I do hope that like you, I can let go of the pain that I have had and allow my heart to feel other emotions. We will never forget, but we can put the bad things in their place and live life with a deeper respect for good things that come to us.

    Much love,

    LittleGirl

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