Some people might wonder why there have been no posts recently…Well, I forgot to tell you that I was going on holiday – I took a long, 11-day break from media, tv, internet, cell phones, bbm’s and texting, and flew out to the Gambia for a relaxing vacation with my boyfriend.
It feels strange to be back. Just yesterday morning I was feasting on boiled eggs and fresh watermelon on the terrace restaurant at our modest b&b on the Gambian coast, feeding the hotel cats bits of cheese and butter and enjoying the +33C heat. Today, I am back at my desk in the cold cold office I work in in London, with faces around me full of concentrated smiles, no laughter, smiles, talk, happiness.
I am depressed to be back here, in normal life, with nothing to look forward to. I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, of being a failure, of feeling that I should have accomplished more. I also had an ahaa-moment while in the Gambia; I got very anxious one evening when it hit me that after we die, we have to exist..somewhere, for an eternity. Eternity. It is a hell of a long time. My chest filled with panic and I struggled to think about anything else than knowing that no one can tell when time started, and when time will end, what is “out there”, and what happens after I die. Where will my soul go?
As a Christian, I believe in my soul going into Heaven, but still, eternity / for the rest of FOREVER I will be there. That is it. For ever. And I got so panicky and anxious and worried. I felt like…I didn’t want to die, and also I realized that this is IT, my ONLY chance to live my life, there will be no seconds. EVER. Forever and ever.
And I decided that from now on, I will have to push for happiness, for fulfillment, and for joys in life. Success, friendships, love. This is my chance. I have already spent 27 years on this planet without much success in any of the above, and now after my drastic and deep realization, I have to make a difference. Have to.
I feel a bit more at peace. I feel … That it is okay that I was abused. It was hideous, painful, shameful, devastating, debilitating, hurtful and disgusting, but I can’t take it away. I can only live with the memories and I must be okay with it. I can’t let my past ruin my future. What I have been because of what my father did to me, and how I have been treated, can be changed. I must change. It is now or never.
I look forward to starting my intensive 18-month therapy program next week on Monday. I am also looking for jobs (although this will be difficult as the therapy will take a lot of my time) and I have started dreaming of studying again. I would like to go into Public Health, and possibly work in the realm of ameliorating the treatment offered to women in poorer communities, especially after abuse, domestic violence, or gender-based violence, as these have wide-reaching debilitating effects in the whole societies.
My tanned fingers tap tap tap on the keyboard. I am done with the work day, and as I look outside into the dark London streets I don’t feel desperation, but opportunity. I am who I am, This is Me, and with the blessings and pains that I have been given I must go forward.
If you have a moment after reading this please put a little prayer forward to the God or whoever you personally believe in for me, if you have time, and ask for guidance for me. I have the courage, the passion and the strength to live a beautiful life, but I lack the knowledge of which way to go next.
Also, please ask for blessings and help for all the women out there in the world who struggle with things they are unable to live with – by uniting in thought and prayer I feel great peace can fulfill our hearts and make us all just a little bit…better people.
PS. A few pics from my vaca…