Lately I have started being really sad and tearful and I have no idea why. I keep crying but I don’t even know why. There are lots of huge emotions and thoughts running through my mind, but I can’t quite figure out what exactly it is that makes me sad.
Last night I felt detached from my body. When I closed my eyes I felt like my mind was above my body, somehow not a part of it but a being of its own, and I could almost feel like I was levitating. My body can go strangely numb, and the more I cry and the sadder I get, the more detached I feel.
I kind of like it. I like the pain, I like wallowing in the deep emotions; maybe because in the past when I suddenly got really sad, started crying, and went into a trance-like state, I’d get a memory or a flashback. I somewhat expect one to come, but it didn’t happen last night.
Instead, what kept on coming to my mind were little snippets of my childhood and my youth. I remembered my last encounter with my pony, how I felt I had betrayed him because I hand’t been able to safeguard him (he had been diagnosed with a non-curable and deadly hoof disease). I remembered the bathroom and it’s orange walls before it was redecorated. I remember sitting on that cold concrete floor with a bucket in front of me, trying to puke the food out which I’d binged moments before.
I remembered the smile I had on my face when I was a child, with light brown bob and bangs surrounding my big cheeks. I always expected adults to tell me how things are; I was a very obedient, nice child.
I remembered staring out the third floor window into the empty parking lot, watching the snow fall in the circles created by the street lights. I like staring into the distance, it helps me get away from my current body and allows me to escape to…somewhere. Somewhere where things are not quite as bad as they are in those moments where my soul is crushed and I need to get away.
I imagine myself not being who people think I am – no, I really am not the boring and bored office worked traipsing to the office every weekday morning, with a jaded look on my face. No, I am not the weird and strange bubbly young woman I think a lot of people think I am.
Instead, I am countless other things, and if you look for me, you will find me.
You can find me in the soft froth of a freshly-made soy latte.
I am the moment when you are galloping with a trusted horse on a grassy field, and you finally let go of your fear of falling down and enjoy the rush of adrenaline.
I am the color of turquoise sea off the coast of a Caribbean island, the shade of green that only mid-summer lawn can be, and the hue of a dozen red roses in a bouquet.
You can encounter the real me in the joy of embracing a long-lost friend. I am hiding in the shadows of lush green rain forests, in the depths of the magnificent oceans, and on the surface of see-through ice on a frozen lake.
I am the moment when you bury your bare feet in white beach sand, and allow the heat to embrace the roots of your being while nurturing your soul.
All these things I am, and when I am lost from my true self, I cry. The tears remind me that I need to keep searching for the truth, for my being, and bring me home.
Have a blessed day,