I got to work this morning 20 minutes late. When waking up I had decided to try look pretty today (I usually wear jeans and a sweater, and lately I have started only wearing black every day…Trying to be invisible?) and pulled out a summer dress and heels and put my hair up and strolled into the feeling much better than on many other days.
It is incredible what a little pampering and make up can do to your self esteem and self respect. I am not one of those people who wear make up to the local grocery store on a Saturday morning – I have to admit that I have kind of battled with this weird thing my whole life where sometimes I don’t feel like I am worthy of feeling good and looking nice, and when I was in my teens I sometimes didn’t shower for a few days only to end up scraping my skin raw at the end of it because I needed to cleanse…something.
I also ended up with a root canal treatment and a fake tooth as my candy addiction got out of control, plus sometimes I don’t brush my teeth in the evening. It is this strange feeling like…I have to be dirty because I deserve it. I like to leave my hair unwashed for days and really wallow in the fact that I am disgusting.
Sorry to be this honest, now you must feel like I am some dirty bitch with stinky hair and breath – not at all, but I sometimes just don’t feel worthy of being clean, nice, pretty. But when I don’t wear make up and dress in black old jeans I feel shit, scrubby, nasty, and feel bad about myself anyway.
This post wasn’t meant to be about what I am wearing today, but about something that happened after I got into the office. I opened my emails and the first thing in my inbox was…an email from someone who reads this blog! It was such a beautiful message, and not to sound conceited or fake or anything, but for the first time in my life I felt that maybe it was all worth it…To be a survivor can kill, it a serious pain in one’s heart to live with for the rest of their lives, but to know what by sharing your pain someone else is comforted makes it ALL worth it.
I am humbled by the response, and my heart is full of love right now. I feel that humanity still has a chance because of the few beautiful souls walking on this earth who take their time to spread love, and I am honored that this person chose me to spread their words of love and encouragement to.
In this moment I feel that I can and I will. Whatever it is that my life takes me, and whatever comes by, I will be able to overcome, as there are wonderful people in my life who care and who love. I pray that every single one of you will find peace in your heart and recognize the beautiful souls in your lives who touch your lives and who have made a difference in how you see the world.
Thank you for the love, thank you for reading, and thank you for being in the shadows supporting the cause and the path that I personally am on.