I feel at peace

I have to share my good news right away – I went for my Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy assessment this morning at my local NHS hospital, and it went really well!

I had been referred there by the psychiatrist who told me I didn’t meet the criteria for the personality disorder treatment program that he runs, and this was a major step towards long-term help for me.

I had an hour-long chat with the therapist – a somewhat strange and peculiar young man who seemed to analyze every word I said (scary!), and I even cried; I think this was because he made me answer quite simple questions but ones that I don’t often think about. Like, how are my relationships? I had to think about it, and figured a lot of my close relationships are dramatic and emotionally charged.

He told me I could start coming three times a week in about a month’s time, and I felt very relieved to hear that – I have thus far in my life felt that I am not important enough for serious care, as I keep being pushed around or told I’m not “ill enough” to be helped – this has only aggravated me and I have on many occasions thought that I should overdose or seriously harm myself just to be noticed and thought of as deserving help…

I was worried about how this intensive treatment would affect my work – as I mentioned in the earlier post, I do function and have a very strong ability to act like everything is great and that I am just like everybody else, so when it comes to having to admit to people around me that I will need to shuffle work around to attend this, I am really scared.

I did have a chat with a lady who works in my department and who also is somewhat a friend to me, and she told me not to tell my line manager about it – she told me that I should not be honest with people who will judge me for my ..difficulties. I agree with her; unfortunately this professional work arena is not ready for people like me who have issues but who can get the job done.

So that’s what I will do – tell my manager that I have a slipped disk, and start getting some serious therapy done!

Have a blessed day,

LittleGirl

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