One thing that I think survivors of childhood abuse often have real hard time with is losing people. I’m not talking about just losing someone close because they die, but rather anything from a friend moving away to having a big argument with someone and then kicking them out of your life.
For me, this is huge. I have real problems with letting go, and I get extremely anxious over the thought of losing a close person. Of course everyone in this world is capable of being sad when their friend gets too busy to see them or moves away, but for me it’s like an insurmountable source for heartache that is very hard to get over with.
I don’t know why I feel this way; maybe it has something to do with the heartbreak that the abuse left me with, or the fact that I was eventually abandoned by my father whom I loved regardless of the abuse, but I really mourn when relationships and friendships end.
I always want to be the one leaving. I like to end friendships, draw boundaries, leave the country. I can’t bear to be left; my heart hurts when I even think about never seeing someone, and I can’t help it.
Yet I have lost a lot of people. I have had friends move away, I have had friends whom I have opened up to and absorbed their influence into my life, only to have them get into a relationship and forget about me.
Sometimes I make lists of people who I feel are close friends to me; as if calculating the amount of love you give and receive makes it more bearable that you have lost some people that you used to be close with.
However, my biggest loss is not of the human kind; I had a pony when I was a teenager, and he helped me live through bullying, the years after the abuse, the hard time at school. I would like to say that not a day goes by without me thinking about him, my beautiful little pony that provided me with such enormous amounts of love and silent acceptance; he was my best friend, my confidante, the one I could run to when the world was too much to take, and I could bury my face in his mane and just cry.
I miss him so much. He was put down in 1998 due to a chronic illness; an event which also put an end to my dreams of becoming an equestrian, as I couldn’t bear look at horses again for years and years. I don’t know why I got so attached to an animal, but I think it probably is because I have always loved horses for their beauty and grace, their strength and their power, and because in that little girl that I was, my pony lit the fire of loving something unconditionally, as he was unable to hurt me like humans had.
People come and go. You open up and get close, you get hurt and have to withdraw and shut your heart from them. You are in pain, until you do it all over again. The cycles of human interaction, and there is nothing you can do unless you totally shut yourself from others and never open up. Extreme, perhaps, but it does safeguard you from the pain.
However good this sounds like in writing, I could never do this. I am too…emotional, social, and desperate for human acceptance, admiration and closeness. I just wish that I could manage my relationships better so that I didn’t disclose everything straight away, leaving me vulnerable, or that I didn’t hang on to bad relationships for the fear of being left alone.
I guess this is my goal in life, to learn to manage human relations better for me to not be so…all over the place emotionally because of them.
Have a blessed day,