I had started this post a long time ago and found the empty draft in my posts list. I thought whoa, how sad that I had titled it like this, and even today, I can relate to it. I must always be anxious?!?!?
Anxiety….A major mental disorder, but also present in varying degrees in a lot of people’s lives…A normal reaction to stressful stimuli in all ages, but sometimes it seems to become an illness and when I really think about it, I feel like I have always been anxious.
In childhood I had all kinds of phobias, and feel like I constantly worried. I developed an eating disorder later on, and even today ALL kinds of things induce all-consuming anxiety in my mind.
I worry about everything. Those who know me can nod their heads at this point. I worry about what people think about me, I worry about how I come across, I worry about the past, the present and especially the future. I worry about ageing, about getting older, about bills, my housing situation, my friendships and relationships, my therapy, my family relations, about my weight.
I get anxious when I think about flying, about sleeping in the dark, about turning my back on a closed door. I get a lot of anxiety when I am alone in bed in the dark and lie on my back or with my back toward the door. I worry about what people say or think about me ALL THE TIME. All the time. If I’m late for work, if I have something out of the ordinary to tell them (like a doctor’s appointment), I worry about asking for time off.
I even worry about really really stupid things. Like, going out to a bar and wondering if I will get carded, and worrying so much while waiting in line that I start panicking. I also panic in pools sometimes, in the water (even though I love swimming); I had a panic attack once in a pool (while I was on Prozac) and I was so traumatized I avoided swimming for a while…
So. I worry, I stress, I think about a topic over and over in my head without being able to let go, and it is SO Annoying! I wish I didn’t care, I wish my brain wasn’t wired in this loopy way where nothing is insignificant and where everything matters too much especially other people and their thoughts and wishes for me and my life.
Anyway. I worry right now that people behind me at work can see that I’m blogging instead of working, so better get back to it…..Just had to let it out. Anxiety is a bitch. Wish I could slap it away and find some peace of mind.