I’m going home.
Well, not for forever, but I have decided to bite the bullet and booked flights to go visit my birth country up in Scandinavia. I’m only going in two weeks’ time, but already I have sleepless nights, insomnia, headaches and anxiety about the trip.
I keep wondering whether my mother will try to talk about the abuse. I feel uncomfortable as I feel she might see my scars and say something embarrassing. I feel emotionally naked around her, and it is so uncomfortable that I’d rather never go visit her instead of enduring the anxiety, embarrassment, negative feelings and emotions, and the pain of being in the environment where I spent the first 16 years of my life.
Yet every year I get this yearning to go visit – I do have a three and a half year old nephew that I hold close to my heart, and the thought of knowing he’ll grow up without knowing me hurts my heart…So I have to swallow my anxiety and get on that plane and see what happens.
I do hope this time I am able to look at things from a distance and sort out my issues with my past. I pray that God stays with me no matter what happens there, and that I can come back to England as a stronger woman.
Stay blessed xx