This post is long due. When I started writing, the thoughts were too raw for me to process them and so I wrote down the title and archived it without ever sitting down to work on it.
I have now been seeing my counselor for about two months. However, my second time at hers was probably one of the most powerful, heart-breaking and eye-opening sessions that I have ever had. I came out crying but I felt cleansed and empty a bit, as so much stuff had come out that your insides are raw and you can’t stop the train of thought as if it has a mind of its own and it wants to process the new stuff as quickly as possible.
In any case, during this session I came to the realization that I harbor very intense anger towards the little girl that I once used to be (although I don’t connect with her at all; it feels like she is a person of her own and I have no attachment to who she is) and that I sometimes wish she was alive so I could slap her hard…I am angry at that little bitch, and no matter how sick it sounds like, I can’t help feeling intense hatred and anger towards her.
I think maybe my eating disorder ten years ago, self harm, and putting myself in risky situations in life is a result of that anger – I somehow want to kill that part of me that causes the anger which then builds up.
Sitting in the therapist’s chair I fantasized slapping the girl around the face and yelling at her. I am angry at her for what she allowed to happen, and I am angry at her that because of her I now have pain in my life. If she hadn’t been such a bitch I’d be fine. But she was, and now I’m living this life and there is nothing I can do about it.
Even her tears don’t calm me down. I could beat her to death and still have the anger in my heart; of course the girl is gone and I am here, but I have no idea how to reach to that place in my life where I could find peace.
Stay blessed xx