For the past few weeks I have really been struggling with anxiety, restlessness, confusion and troubled thoughts.
I feel like some big emotions and memories and feelings are coming back to me, but somehow I really don’t want to deal with anything right now, and push them back.
I use alcohol, sex, intimacy, TV, work, and eating as ways of stopping the emotions from emerging, and it does to work to various degrees.
However, for my healing, I think it would be good to face whatever is bubbling up onto the surface. I am scared though. And I am sick of all this; how long will I have to deal with the effects of the abuse, and when can I finally just be normal???
I really want to be just like everyone else, have no major issues and mental problems, face emotions like a grounded person and not sway so much into all these directions. I am angry that I am who I am, and I am scared to death that I will be like this for the rest of my life.
Like what, you might ask. Like this; confused, angry, sad, teenager in my mind but a grown woman in reality, unfocused, overweight and loathsome, self-hating woman absorbed in the past and obsessed with the future but not able to live in the present.
That’s how I feel about myself, and I am not sure at all if I can ever change it. It is easier to be who I am and not let the change to come in, for I am scared of what it is about.